YOGA AND HEALING ADDICTION

Over the 20 years of practicing Yoga, the river's momentum of this profound science had taken over my life and has been picking up speed the closer I get to God ("Source/Divinity/Consciousness") within. Unveiling the shadows of the past, Yoga has and continues to transform the density of this level of darkness by lightening it for me on this journey of awakening and enlightenment. Addictions, that rule almost all of us, have been deconstructed and dissolved as they've transformed into my deep yearning for God and my willingness to surrender my attachments that have presented as the obstacles on this path to getting there, which is really within the embodiment of the moment - the now.

All addictions that are outwardly manifested as symptoms are symbolic representations of the inner struggle that we all face. It's just that some of us find outer means to satisfy an urge and deep longing that comes from a seemingly unending void. This void, or feeling of missing something or lack of completion, is the story that the ego tells itself in order to perpetuate its own existence as separate from God. It lives on suffering because it can not imagine being without it. Yet, once we discover this storyteller and "master of lies", we can begin to uproot it and become the phoenix that comes about through its ashes of transformation. For me, the outer addictions are no longer really as I have been contending with and observing the storyteller by challenging its belief system with the knowledge of that which is actually true, but can not be limited to words for its expression. These outer addictive patterns are being observed as returning to the source. Addictions aren't solely restricted to drugs, alcohol, food, or sex. They can also be simply an addiction to certain thoughts themselves which promote suffering and keep itself alive. This is how it progresses from gross to subtle and vice versa, in the sense that the thoughts we contain that build up too much inner pressure spills over into the outer versions of itself. In cleaning up the mess, because it can get messy (we all know it can) we have to return back to its source of where the drip began from.

In my process, following a 12 Step Program of sorts has resigned itself naturally as the path of Yoga had taken hold of me many years ago; in order to be delivered to following and living as close as I'm capable to the 10 Steps of the Yamas and Niyamas, the first one being most important which is Ahimsa (non-violence.) As I meander through the meadows of time and space, slowly witnessing the unraveling of consciousness that has never slept, I may encounter these aspects of thoughts that are struggling to survive and keep me separate from my true Self but compassionately I will offer even these untruths into the fires of consciousness where they can be dissolved and from their dissolution, they will emerge with lightness and light.

A feeling of wholeness has always been within this vessel and attached as roots to the beyond. There is no void here. There has never been. I simply had to forget for some time, only to come full circle to remember again. From here forth I continue to affirm the unspoken promise of my awakening that will lead towards my enlightenment. As the path of light increases with light it also picks up more speed but it never dissolves darkness, just the density of it. The path may still be filled with trials and tribulations, as this is just a necessary aspect of life, but/and I know that as long as I have my co-pilot of inner wisdom become the driver I will navigate more easily on this path. I may get tricked by this ego during its last breaths that are gasping for its survival but with compassion and forgiveness, this too shall pass. Everything does and everything passes more swiftly the more willing we are to let it go. It must all go, all the stories that we tell ourselves because none of it is real and none of it really stays permanently. This is the truth. Impermanence is truth and within this is where we sit in stillness like the eye of a hurricane.

I am humbled by this miraculous but obvious process that the universe so coyly slipped into this life. I can't help to know that on some deeper level that I, not my ego, called it in knowing this would be that which was designed to encourage Self-Realization (being that Yoga is known as the Science of Self-Realization.) I am grateful and humbled by life. Om Shanti

YOGA PRACTICE:

On occasion, I am asked if I do yoga every day. My answer is yes. But I know most people assume that the yoga practice I do daily involves asana. This is incorrect. I do asana practice regularly but not usually daily and it depends on the inner guidance. Sometimes it can be daily for a while. Sometimes a couple of times a week. Yet, the overall practice of yoga, the science and philosophy of yoga, is done daily which does include awareness, self-reflection, some honoring of divinity in various forms such as a morning ritual, and then connecting with nature herself. In yogic terms, this is known as Abhyasa Yoga or the yoga of continuous practice. My physical practice isn’t usually about “contortionist” asanas or “gymnastic” yoga or even “acrobatic” yoga. (No offense meant)

My practice is simpler and without the “frills” externally. I’ve been practicing yoga asana and all that the science entails for 26 years and have achieved depths without the requirement of “scorpion pose or handstands.” Often, the simpler poses can go deeper, quicker than the “fancier” asanas, from my personal experience.

I was trained in more classical yoga where the asana practice seeks to maintain the body at a certain level so that this outer practice can lead and lend itself towards a deeper inner yoga practice. To some, this is called Raja Yoga through Ashtanga Yoga of Patanjali. Simple and yet dedicated. Disciplined and yet gentle as needed. Resistant and, as needed, persistent. The whole picture as much as possible and simultaneously.

So, do I practice yoga? Yes! Every day in various ways.

Each day is a step-by-step mindful process. Slow down. Patience. Stillness. Presence. Speed up. Grace. Observe. Compassion. Act. Reflect. Connect. (Repeat.)

MY REMEMBERING 9/11

I’ll never forget 9/11 for many reasons, and I remember this day pristinely.

During this time, I was a social work case manager in the Bronx and we would have trainings around the city. The World Trade Center was one of them.

On 9/11/2001, around 8:50 am, I had gone to the local bodega for my breakfast, as was my usual routine. At 9:04, my partner Luis reached me by cell and was frantic and crying. He said he was trying to reach me and had a difficult time getting through the phones. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me if I was at the World Trade Center because he knew I attended trainings there. I told him not today but that I was scheduled on 9/17 (the following Monday) and asked him “why?” He said because he just heard the WTC was attacked. As I was walking upstairs, and he was telling me this I witnessed on tv the second WTC being hit. I was in utter shock and goosebumps surfaced along with tears.

My coworkers and I were glued to the TV. Everything came to a halt outside! It took forever to find a way home. Around 1:00 I was able to flag down a cab since the trains had stopped by this time. As I was outside waving down cabs, I could see a cloud heading towards the Bronx and looming over the city. You see, I was only 20 minutes away.

New York State was in a state of emergency. New York City was on lockdown. No trains, buses, no leaving by car over any of the bridges or tunnels. I knew I had to get home.

Eventually, I made it home and remained glued to the live news about what was happening to my city. All I knew was that as soon as I could get out of NYC I was on the next train. I wanted to get out of the city and be in the arms of the man I loved.

Additionally, this happened on a Tuesday and normally I had class in Union Square. The class was clearly canceled this evening. My teacher wrote an email to all of her students discussing the bloodshed and how deep of an impact this has on various levels of our being.

The next morning, it was announced on the news that some trains were operational. I traveled from the upper NorthEast Bronx, all the way to Penn Station. It took longer than normal but I didn’t care. On the trains, I saw the extreme exhaustion on the faces of the police officers, medical personnel, and firefighters that were traveling by train. There was grayish dust mixed with dried blood coating them and THE smell! Passengers were teary. Some had this lost look in their eyes. I have never seen my New York like this. I bought my ticket for NJ Transit, awaited my train, and left.

As I was riding alongside 95, with a solemn heaviness, I witnessed the two plumes of smoke where the two World Trade Towers once stood. I cried my way to Philadelphia and could not imagine the horror of the lost lives and souls that hovered what was, to some, their jobs and now their final burial site.

I made it to see Luis and couldn’t be any happier! If the world was going to come to an end, it was with him that I wanted to be. We held each other and he kissed me endlessly because he was grateful I wasn’t there today for my regular training. Spared from death once again, I was only 6 days off from my demise. This was the final push for me to move out of NYC and to be here in Philadelphia.

I cry every 9/11 since the first day, not just because of what happened to my city, as one of the main reasons to have left but also due to my Luis that died a few years later that left me a widow even before we were married. 9/11 reminds me of loss on various levels. It’s a day to mourn, remember, and be grateful for my aliveness.

Every time I see an old movie with the twin towers, a tear rolls down. Every time 9/11 rolls around, tears come up. When I see a movie about it, I can’t help but watch it and I still cry. I remember the loss of the twin towers (where I had gone on an elementary school trip), the loss of lives and the suffering of those who survived around it and all that is affected, and its connection to my Luis who was the love of my life. I didn’t leave him that day only for him to die another day.

New York City has never been the same to me since that day. The New York City of my time and what is still at the core of me remains in my heart. I’ll always be a New Yorker, wherever I go and however I grow. Love, when it’s true love, may change in form but always remains true.

(I forgive the WTC for spelling my last name wrong.)

NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY

is today, on top of Indigenous People’s Day and Columbus Day. What’s interesting about this overlap is that these three groups have had their share of being marginalized in their own ways, and some of this continues today, especially within the Native American and LGBTQ communities, less so for the Italians. In this sharing, I’d like to focus on my coming out. When I was a child, I had some proclivity and attraction for boys my age. I would rough house and wrestle with them, partly knowing this was pleasurable for me. Mind you, all young children possess a natural affinity to be playful in ways with the same gender unless authority figures somehow have introduced them to shame in some form around it which further deepens and fosters an adult that has underlying issues spooled around this core shame, that can develop into adult forms of suppression. As a kid, I played with girls but didn’t “feel” the same chemical reactions I had when I played with boys. When I became a teenager I would fantasize about that cute jock on the football team or celebrities in certain movies. Back then, when I had the occasional brief glance portrayed of a guy's penis in some movie I was in heaven. (It’s interesting how cinema can objectify women and freely show their breasts and hints of the vagina but men only have butt exposure and the rest blocked out mostly, and nowhere near the objectification of women.) Growing up in the Bronx was tough. A community of bully’s bred to instill fear. An Italian American community possessed by the heaviness of Catholic suppression rooted in guilt and shame. The slurs circling the atmosphere which wafted in the air in words of fear such as “faggot”, “fudge packer”, “bitch”, “don’t be a girl”, Hershey highway rider”, “home” and “sissy”. (To name a few) So, no one wanted to be any of these. Some of us learned to develop strong armor and do things in concealed ways over time. We developed a certain acuity like an extrasensory ability to find another like us, though far and few between. (What is commonly called Gaydar) Secretly, I would masturbate to porn and focused on the guy. Part of my own evolution involved developing my own character in a way that sometimes I would describe myself as an Orange where “I’m hard on the outside but sweet, soft and juicy on the inside when you got to know me and when I let you in enough to experience that part of me.” I guess in some ways that are true still to this day. Growing up with this secret wasn’t easy. I tried to date girls because culture/society dictates it to be this way. You didn’t want to be different because you’d be condemned somehow. I remember asking the priest when I was 14 during confession about masturbation and he said “it was the misuse of God’s tool.” If I was a smart ass then as I am now, I would have said “would you like to help me then since someone has to do it.” Lol I became atheist after this, not just because of this but because of all the religious guilt and shaming, and Italian culture that contributed in this way. Though there were other reasons I became atheist at that time which was due to anger about God but that’s a different story. It didn’t stop me from masturbating though, just added distortions while exploring my sexuality. I eventually made it to SUNY Purchase and found myself in an environment that allowed me to explore this part of me. There was an LGBTQ presence on campus and it was without the slurs, violence, and discrimination. Students could “be out” and there were teachers that were out. I had the fortune of having a cross dressing bisexual roommate. This was a blessing in disguise because his girlfriend at the time and her best friend became my two best friends. 27 years later we are still like family. They’re encouraged me along the way. My roommate helped me indulge this secret curiosity by taking me to the West Village where I sat on the corner of Christopher Street and Bleeker. I was wowed and thought “how do I do the gay thing from here?” He suggested we go get a drink and it slowly started for me. I was in awe at the Hangar. I made my first cheesy attempt at trying to “pick up” the bartender. I remember every detail to this day. I was such a novice back then lol I wasn’t necessarily a stranger to sexual activities, you see. I had been a crazed tenet masturbating, in spite of the priest and the idea of a “pervy God” looking down on me as I was, but I also had been sexually violated for many years as a child. (But that’s another story or you can get a general sense of my life story by reading my bio on my website. ) As time progressed on campus, I met the first sweetheart of my life, Mike, who took his time with me in exploring this. He knew my first introduction was traumatizing and cared not to re-traumatize me. In my experience with him, I promised myself I would pay it forward to help guide others in their self-exploration, and on various levels depending on where they were at. Since then, as I continued to come into myself and accept who I was I have helped many guys along the way. I’ve supported them not only in exploring but the whole coming out process. I’ve never really “outed” someone and in the accidental cases where I may have, at least it wasn’t horrible but turned into a blessing in disguise, especially when I’ve dated guys and their parents I met. I’ve never encountered a parent that didn’t like me when it came to an ex I’ve dated. I’m the kind of guy you’d want to take to your parents. During undergrad, I told friends and they all embraced me. If there was a friend that unfriended me, I may have been sad but also realized that they weren’t my friend, to begin with, if this part of me was an obstacle to them. Similarly, this applied to any family member I came out to or knew of me being gay. I told my second oldest brother and he was always supportive of me and said to do what makes me feel happy. He’s always been like that for me. After two and a half years I told my mom. She cried and I had to process some of this with her but a few months later she accepted it and loved me even more so. On occasion, when she sees me struggling with some relationship she may say “just go to Italy and find yourself a good woman.” My response is “I’d ask this woman if she had a hot brother I can meet instead.” I’m no stranger to the challenges of being open about who I am. I have so many stories. My life has been very full for a little guy in the world. There was a time when the different parts of myself finally unified. In certain jobs, if not most jobs, I was able to just be me. I didn’t run around with a banner or gay flag that was obviously outing me but I had/have Mt moments when I’m playful. When I moved to Philly and joined the yoga community as a teacher and authority figure I wasn’t sure how coming out would affect things and at times I also would justify thinking that what my “sexual preference” was didn’t need to be shared because it shouldn’t matter but a friend and former student of mine helped me to come out more when she pointed out that being ambiguous set forth this vibe which created an untrustworthy presentation which is worse than just being transparent. So, I heeded these words of wisdom and made it more clear since then. Things had become lighter and more freeing since then. It’s not to say that in spite of all my expansion and growth and getting more aligned with this truth of myself, elements of misinformed or fear-based individuals haven’t remained. I’ve been called being “AIDS carry faggot over the apps” or homo, or cocksucker through certain communities. It’s clear through the years, I’ve had my share of obscenities being shouted at me with hateful remarks, and that awkward stare from a stranger at me with a partner, to the hate crimes against my fellow LBGTQ family that continue around the globe. The cultures that have medieval means of torture, murder, maim, cut limbs off, and castrate. Or the family members that ostracize, or the communities that excommunicate my fellow family members; or even the suicides that still happen to this day because of such hurtful and hateful aspects of society; along with so many other ways that LGBTQ has not been accepted. What’s interesting about being in the LGBTQ community is that it seems in some cases that there are levels of coming out. For me, the next level consisted of coming out as HIV positive and how that works in the various communities. I’ve had my own layers of acceptance with this fact. Almost 20 years later, and times have certainly made tremendous progress around this. Though, there are still places in the world living as though it’s still the 80s. Being undetectable and having that acknowledged is great progress. Prep is now available to almost everyone for the most part. Life expectancy and quality of life aren’t any different, generally and for those of us that take care of ourselves, than someone who is negative. For some time, HIV is no different than managing diabetes, in certain ways. I helped start and had maintained an HIV-positive social group for almost 6 years in Philadelphia and to share this experience, to provide this resource to others was a valuable asset. The beautiful sharing during many fun events has touched me deeply. To hear others’ struggles in their lives, in society, and in medicine, has been a gift to me. I’ve taken much of the pain and suffering of my past and transformed it into a lighthouse for others to know that it’s possible. How many ways can a person come out in life? How many rebirths can an individual experience? How amazing is it when you can be vulnerable and strong in your vulnerability versus hiding? It takes a lot of work to be in your own shoes, courageous as well. Do I consider safety at times around being gay and being poz? Yes, because I know the world isn’t always kind or friendly so I’m more aware of my surroundings and make certain choices to live and fight another day. There are so many people that are struggling with coming out today. It’s still a thing. Each generation has helped the following generation to make headway so that it can get better. We have seen much of this over the last several decades. The sacrifices in society and science. We would benefit from honoring the past as it is what has brought us to today. I continue to pay it forward and strive to encourage other guys that have had to or continue to ensure societal pressures. I’ve mentored and been a “big brother” to not only youngens but men my age or older that are married and following the old-fashioned template while inauthentically living their lives with this secret behind their wives. As RuPaul says “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!” My addendum to this is “if you’re not able to love yourself enough at times, then surround yourself with people who do until you finally do.” I choose not to live my life bound to the definitions that others project onto me. I live my life for me since I only have one life to live and it’s up to me to give that to myself. It’s the least I can do. I hope to share this with others and to continue to be inspired by others that are loving and living their best life. To help me overcome fears of the past that were believed by me and imposed on me, earlier on. I accept me. If you don’t accept me, you’ll either learn to or just not be around me. Your fears, insecurities, miseducation, misinformation, stigma, and dogma are yours and not mine. I’ve become strong in who I am and have created the life I have chosen to live and encourage others to do the same. I’m the maker of my reality and have made choices to change my circumstance to support myself on being the best and most I can be today so that I’m no longer ruled or haunted by these ghosts of the past that still are real for countless others that love today. If I’ve made my way out of the shadows, it’s possible for many others to do the same. I’m not saying it’s easy for everyone but it can get better and shouldn’t be done alone! It can’t be. Community is important. My work is not done here and in so many ways. This is my synopsis of honoring my Coming Out.

KALA AND KALI...AND TRAUMA (a shifting perspective)

KALA is the Sanskrit word for time. KALI, the great compassionate and fierce goddess, also is the taker of time/keeper of time/dissolver of time.

Kali is greatly compassionate when we offer ourselves to Her for our awakening. She becomes fierce in the face of obstacles when we are sternly attached to our identities.

With time everything is taken. I had a patient the other day say that she felt amazing after her treatment and wished she could hold onto the feeling. I said be present with what is because "good" and "bad" are only temporary in the face of consciousness and holding on to anything brings great sorrow and misery.

When we hold onto anything, there is pain that follows its loss since nothing is constant. Everything is a passing expression on the canvas of consciousness. Be with what is and know that misery is as transient as pleasure.

In these current days, I am experiencing great inner churning and upheaval, along with turbulence. There is a "presence" that is witnessing and untouched by the actual impressions that there is an awareness of. Yet, the stormy weather of the mind is being given birthed to something else that is much deeper and truer.

Whatever identity there has been an attachment to is slowly being transmuted. The holding on to the identity is what causes greater pain but essentially it is unavoidable.

When I fight the reality of what is by thinking how it should be any different than what actually is...is what causes greater stress. Some might say "stop fighting" but in reality it's not always that easy when I'm aware that the ego has created so many defenses to protect itself and safeguard itself. These mechanisms served a purpose when the trauma of life was happening.

Identities that aren't in fact us must die. Living a life of masking an untruth to ourselves just brings in more of that. The world is a reflection of our perspective. If we want to see what is going on in a person we can see what and who they are surrounded by. The partners and intimate partners we attract are reflections of aspects of ourselves that desire to be known in whatever context and whatever capacity.

The reality of accepting that 8 years of being raped as a child still has rippling effects in my journey and unfoldment of the today. So I witness what comes up. I react. I don't act. I witness. I breathe. I lose my breath. I sleep a lot. I don't sleep as much. I feel anxious. I feel calm. All of it is happening. By accepting and letting go a little more each time, it will deepen to whatever the next layer is.

There is no "spiritualizing" that actually works. No "it's all good" or "everything will be great" or "just trust and believe in love and light." That's all bullshit. The way to experience is to experience and go deeper with what is and not avoid it.

It's inevitable, whatever identity the "I" have taken on to define myself yields itself to the place where that which is true exists. It's not easy but it can be easier when I don't fight that which is true in this moment that is trying to reveal itself, or that which the space is being created for so that I can see what has been here all along.

Whatever isn't love returns to Love. Whatever isn't true returns to true. The dissolution of untruth is generally a painful process when truth is wanting itself to be known but what awaits us is by far greater than whatever we were trying to hold onto. Whatever is hidden in the shadows shows up in the face of light.

Any attachment will bring us suffering. The great masters aren't attached. They are fluid and present in each moment.

In my current process I move at whatever pace and remind myself to be patient and compassionate and forgiving as I "work" this process. I continue to be in integrity with all that I do and embrace more and more, slowly, all the parts of myself (the light and the shadows) that make me whole. The embracing of our light and our shadow pieces is what makes us/me whole.

Jai Kali Ma! Divine mother of fierceness and love, I bow down before you and pray that you support me in the process of remembering the fullness of what I really am as I traverse this reality.

I am humbled by you. I offer my tears, my sadness, my pain and all that I am and all that isn't me.

LOVING DETACHMENT

Long ago I believed the fantasy that a "knight in shining armor" (being that I'm a gay man) would sweep me off my feet.

I later realized the rough truth (after trying and trying to make this fantasy a reality but failing every time) that the reality of such a story was simply a fantasy and has no actual root in reality.

Somehow I learned that something/someone outside of me could fulfill, complete, and even fully satisfy me. What a heavy burden to have to place on someone else. What an intense displacement of my power.

I remember my first true love and soulmate telling me that the idea of even saying "my other half" is rooted in toxic thought. He said that "I don't walk into a relationship as half a person. I step into a relationship with my whole being." Profound thoughts to a young grasshopper such as myself.

It is with wholeness that I step into a relationship. I would be asked "why are you single?" and I would say that "guys were dumb or unavailable or just not capable." I realized that after spending so much energy through my energy into blame as if it was someone else's responsibility to take the fear, loneliness, insecurities, and aloneness away.

How crazy was it to think that way. I awoke to this truth within me, although I'm still digesting and integrating it, holding space with it, that the reason why I was attracting inept guys (to whatever degree) was not because of a fault of theirs but the reflection that I wasn't honestly looking to face which is that of course I'd attract such guys...it's because I was unavailable to myself. I was the one actually afraid of the vulnerabilty and intimacy that comes with the depths of a relationship.

I was the one that would rather blame someone else than take full responsibility for myself own stuff. I would somehow run within the relationship and then when I perceived this in others I would say something was "wrong" with them, when in reality they were mirroring for me..me on some level. We are each magnets and we attract in a partner (or any sort of relationship) the "good qualities" in ourselves and the "not as good qualities" in ourselves.

The romantic/honeymoon period was all the glamor and excitement of the hormones and the new experience of each other, but as time does what time does and of the relationship makes it past this period (which depends on the contracts of the souls coming together that determines how long or short this lasts) SHIT hits the fan. Realness kicks in. Stuff comes up and this stuff never goes away. It simple gets smaller over time with the willingness to take responsibility for the self and work in it. Addressing it.

You see, this is the perfection of it. The challenges and the joy, the love and the dislike, the comfort and discomfort. They are inseparable. We tend to want to change others or fix them but this is a projection and not our responsibility. We can be inspiring and loving and hold a space for what is present. The rest is just simply (but not always seemingly simple) up to grace to unfold things accordingly.

We can blame others or say that "if only so and so did this, then I can experience x,y,z" but this is yet another projection and displacement of responsibility. If we wonder what it is that we have in front of us, it is up to each and everyone of us to look inward to see "what is it in me that invited and attracted this towards me." Not the other way around.

Sometimes we even get lost by the veil we see when we see others in relationship looking "happy" but again this is another story that the mind creates. We in fact don't know what happens behind closed doors. Every relationship has their own dynamics. With each relationship the common theme is me. Therefore, what I attract is based on what I'm stepping into the story with.

There are mainly two types of relationships. One that we call "soulmate" and the other "wound mate." I feel a soul mate is actually someone else that you share a moment with and however long it lasts, it serves a purpose to support growth and expansion. Which isn't pretty. Truth is sexy but it isn't always pretty. They thrive on the successes of the challenges.

Whereas, wound-mates are those relationships where individuals come together and just trip over each other, over and over and over and over. Not evolving. Like two addicts that use and blame each other for the failures. On some level the soul already understands this as being part of an overall journey, just takes time to make a shift but a shift is inevitable.

I've had my share of the latter and luckily for my internal guidance (that I didn't know was what was happening when it was) I was guided out of these scenarios and have since then been able to look back and acknowledge them as my teachers that helped me to return to myself.

In recent times, the partner(s) I've connected with are recognized as soul-mates because we share a common theme and element that involves the expansion of the heart through the dissolution of untruths.

I had attached to so many things that I thought the comfort came from the outside. Time, patience, and loving presence have shown me that solidity and comfort comes from within. In order to want to be loved I have to show it through my own actions with myself and then convey this outwardly.

In the past year, I have been learning the fluidity of love. I have been exploring the freedom of what love really can look like by giving it to myself. It's only fair that I hold the space for others to experience the same.

To want someone to be how I'd like them to be or to impose a change is only a way I trap myself. I don't want to be trapped or confined. My heart and soul are much bigger than what the insecurities of the mind can protect. By letting others be who they are, I can be free to be me. I cherish my freedom. I cherish fluidity.

If there is an alignment with certain core values/sentiments, then great. If there isn't, then that's great too but doesn't mean it is meant to be in a relationship. Here's where we can let go, lovingly, with holding space even for such differences.

It has been a tremendous journey. It continues to be. As I evolve and embrace more of myself, I can hold a space for others and inspire this in others. The freedom I desire for myself is equally reciprocated when I grant it to others.

Each day I learn more about the fluidity of love. I am grateful for the current partner in my life who is "the one" in this moment, that reflects where I am loving and where I and still afraid to love. I continue to embrace the love that I am, the restrictions and unnecessary expectations so I can free myself from my own bondage.

I am grateful. I am love.

MORE ON VULNERABILITY: A BALANCE OF THE MASCULINE AND FEMININE

A few years ago, a patient of mine that was Muslim came in and told me about how he witnessed two little boys playing and hugging each other. He then said that the boys father’s separated them because that was considered culturally inappropriate.

A few years ago, a yogini friend of mine was letting her little boy play and he was wearing a Cinderella dress while playing with dinosaurs. I loved seeing this. I asked her about it and she said she didn’t think about and said she supports her son in being freely exploratory with himself.

When I was in India my first time, the particular region I went to I witnessed boys, teens, guys, and men holding hands and/or embracing in loving and brotherly ways. I wondered if this was a gay culture and my friend from there said that this is what men to to support each other emotionally. Incidentally, rape rates (violence towards women) were significantly lower than neighboring areas that lacked this behavior.

A few weeks ago, I was speaking to my brothers ex-girlfriend that knew me when I was a teenager. I asked her if she and the rest of the gang suspected if I was gay. She said she had a feeling I was when she saw that I was checking out guys and objectifying woman like the rest of the guys that she knew. She said that there were some feminine tendencies I exhibited. She also said that it was clear that I had a crush on one of my brothers friends. My brother, when I asked him this question, said that he was aware of the tendencies but didn’t jump to any conclusion.

You see, I was a sensitive little kid. I was a momma’s boy especially after my dad died when I was 2. The stepfather that filled in was an alcoholic. My oldest brother seemed to have high testosterone on crack. Meaning, he was highly aggressive. Highly volatile. Highly violent. All of which I had the unfortunate direct experience of this as his personal punching bag. My other brother, mentioned in the previous paragraph, was more balanced. He was sensitive and caring, and was strong and stern as needed without excess. My Mom wore the hat as my mother and father, playing two roles. Though, she was heavy handed as well. Extremely!

From all this, I learned massage, how to cook, clean, decorate, painting, garden, study, some mechanical skills (since both my brothers were mechanically inclined), some carpentry skills, some plumbing skills, sewing skills, and some electrical skills. I would easily shift roles from massaging friends, to helping mom cook, to tending to our backyard pool, to gardening, to cleaning, and then helping my brothers work on motor cycles and cars.

What I also learned was that being sensitive and vulnerable were weaknesses. My oldest brother would call me his sister. In school I was called a sissy, faggot, and momma’s boy. I would get teased and taunted often.

What I learned from all this and my excessive abuses was to shut off from my emotions, except anger and anxiety which was highly prevalent in the atmosphere of my home. I learned to “toughen up” and guard myself. I was punched so many times that I developed this inability to actually say “ouch” when it comes to physical pain. This is still true till this day to a certain degree. This applies emotionally as well. I developed this shield that prevented anyone from getting in again, and prevented me from getting out.

I learned how to leave my body from an early age. Disassociation that is common from such abusive circumstances. This is what fostered my PTSD. Regularly walked around with hypersensitivity and guarded awareness. I lost my voice, my self-respect, my self-worth, and my self overall. I was exploited. As time went on, I became my own victimizer through learned behavior as I exploited myself.

When I first started therapy, I was 25. She asked me why I was coming to see her and told her that “my boyfriend says I’m emotionally unavailable.” That was the first day that began my journey of going inward and returning myself to myself.

This work has gotten me to this point. It’s been a very intense and profound adventure. With each day, I continue to connect with the parts of me that were stifled and suppressed. My voice has been returning. My vulnerability has been increasing. My sensitivity has been returning. I have been thawing out and warming up, opening up and re-emerging as the phoenix. Coming out of the muck and murky waters as a lotus blossoms from the marsh.

I’ve been learning to be a peaceful warrior. Vulnerable and delicate as a butterfly and yet in my potency and strength.

I have been embracing the parts of my little boy who had been afraid, insecure, invalidated, alone, lonely, sad, angry, and anxious, and whatever else in between such as being playful. Integrating all of this as part of my wholeness.

I have been integrating the qualities of the masculine and the feminine, that have nothing to do with sexual preference.

ENDING LIFE: A PERSPECTIVE

Some call it suicide but maybe the one’s that are desiring and/or committing suicide would call it the end of suffering.

This is a topic, a thought, that has woven in and out of my own consciousness over the many decades of my life. I’ve had dear friends commit suicide, knowingly and unknowingly. I have had thoughts of this in my years, even in recent times. A fleeting thought that comes like a cloud passing the sky. Sometimes it sticks around longer and other times it’s not there. Part of the human experience. Part of understanding life is knowing that the greatest teacher to life is death.

It’s a thought that some of us have thought about for whatever reason(s). You see, sometimes internal suffering can run so deep that it’s unbearable and the only option that seems less painful is the cessation of the physical body.

Sometimes the pain of life can be and seem so unbearable that it’s better to just leave it all behind. I had a dear friend who committed suicide many years ago. She suffered gravely from physical ailments that weren’t able to be resolved with any and every effort. Her option was to finally stop her breathing to find that peace she so deeply sought. Some may have known that she suffered severely. Others didn’t even know. Mind you, she left her husband and only son behind.

A couple years ago, a dear friend of who committed suicide. He was determined. He tied cement blocks to his feet, drank a bottle of alcohol, and threw himself in his pool. He was determined to die. You would never have known that by interactions with him. He smiled a lot. Made light of things. His life seemed successful (at the surface.) Yet, beneath this surface he secretly carried this weight of depression and sadness and it became unbearable. It was too much and time to go.

Silence=Death. Suicidal ideation and preponderant thoughts of such is a silent suffering. The person could feel that they’re dying on the inside. Some people may not understand this and somehow find the silver lining even when the clouds look dismal. Others don’t even see the silver lining, though they try to convince themselves that there is one. This may prolong the inevitable or simply speed it up when that dream of things being better seems unrealistic.

From some “spiritual” perspectives, the notion of suicide can be understood as a wanting to experience death at some level of the ego that has its rootedness in some sort of belief(s) that are filled with suffering and where change is either desired or warranted. This may be true. Some individuals may just feel this strong pull to end life because, well, just because enough is enough and the mental chambers can seem like Dante’s inferno.

It was interesting to learn in the news today that someone committed suicide because she suffered from depression. Surprisingly so. She was very successful and well known, well-liked. She was social and admired by many. But, how well did people know her to know that maybe every moment of her life was accompanied by this secret and silent sadness, grief, and pain that it anchored her reality and out weighed the understanding that her life was of value and worth living? Who knows better then her?

From a torturous standpoint, the mind can create the argument that too much is too much and there’s an asphyxiation, so why continue to live this way? Secretly suffering. No one really understanding unless they’ve been there. The rest is compassionate denial or ignorance or a discomfort that renders people debilitated in knowing the “right thing to say”. It’s easy to say to someone that life is amazing. “Your life is worth living”, “we don’t want you to die”, or whatever the projected thought is but it denies the understanding that the person is suffering and feels trapped in their thoughts with no way out. Period! Cessation of life seems like the lighter and easier option. Secretly suffering in this lonely place isn’t fun at all in these moments. You can already feel non-existent so why not go all the way with it? It can make sense to this person. I get it. The people who cry about it are least likely to do it, statistically speaking,BUT how many cries dies it take when something hasn’t shifted enough that finally not crying wolf leads to actually facing the wolf and poof..snuffed like the light of a candle the wind comes and goes?

To be honest and consider such a situation allows me to embrace these dark(er) places (not bad) as a place that life is still expressing itself through, and by shining the light of awareness on all the shadow pieces that can be real for me in any given moment. This is just a part of us and embracing it and the many parts is about integrating into our wholeness. (Whether the person takes their life or not.)

Does the person see the rainbow and the dark clouds or simply the dark clouds?

Sometimes the perception of suffering seems like too much and enough is enough. Sometimes the thought is acknowledged as a fleeting feeling and keeps on moving.

PACKING AND UNPACKING... UNFOLDING TRAUMA AND INTEGRATING

So often I go throughout the day living in the outer world while simultaneously exploring the inner world; with periods of checking in to see where am I and am I “safe.”

You see, the outer world for most of my childhood and adolescent years were spent in terror and fear of my surroundings. I lost touch with my inner being who was much bigger than all of that but somehow I lost connection with that. In some ways, it was beaten out of me. Literally and figuratively.

Because of all that trauma, I developed a hyper vigilance and low level inhibition based nervous system. This heightened my abilities to assess and survey my daily scenery. Meanwhile, there was and is this little boy still present within this adult body and mind. This level of response from my nervous system was based on being overwhelmed which caused me to shut down. Now I look at it like my super power where my senses are sharper and faster since a lot of density of trauma has been removed and I can see clearer than before.

My past has helped shape my present but it doesn’t have to have the same gravity on my future as I once thought it had.

Over two decades of unpacking what was packed and stuffed within me, at such a young age and for so many years, I continue to unfold in my process into wholeness. The only way out is in. I once expected the world to do something for me but over and over again it has reminded me that I am loved infinitely and unconditionally but that I must rely on my inner being for what I had been seeking.

Gauging the moment, I traverse my daily paths and notice what reflections offer gifts for me to see myself into wholeness.

My seeking has stopped but my embracing of the many pieces of me, that I once thought were fragments, are remembering their place in the wholeness of me. This is the process and journey of my life that continues to just be that, a gift.

With or without a partner, which is a deep yearning desire of mine, this is work that must be done if I am to free myself from suffering. In fact, the reality is that we aren’t meant to “do it” alone. Just like finding a good therapist to meet where we are at, we can find a friend and/or partner to be the best support and reflection of us to hold presence for our unfolding.

Personally, I feel that relationships offer this as a quicker means of self-exploration because from my experience I feel that the two most potent types of relationships that can pull on heart strings the fastest are immediate family, and intimate partners. On occasion, you have a best friend that also plays this role as well. (Like my bestie.)

This all serves in my favor as I come into wholeness by integrating all my pieces into sovereignty.

Sometimes I get wary and exhausted with moments of this process. Sometimes I am simply tired of it all. Yet, a force within me continues and here I am still. It’s not time to go it says. That’s just another escape. I recently was reminded that in these moments of utmost tiredness and feeling like I’m over all this “work” that the reality is that suffering comes from me resisting feeling into the feelings, which is fundamentally a resistance to what is in the present moment.

You see, for so many years I couldn’t feel. I wasn’t allowed to really feel. I became numb. I lost my voice. I was just a slave to what I was told and to whomever was doing the programming.

I’ve been undoing these programs by remembering more and more who I am. I continue to learn that as there are infinite stars in the sky, so are the many facets of who I am. I could choose to either focus on one part of me or see this one part not as separate but as a wholeness of me. For instance, recently I’ve had some awareness around shame and it use to take me down because my narrow vision of it was that it defined all of me.

I am supported now in remembering that this shame may not go away, maybe it doesn’t need to because it is just a part of me but not all of me. It’s much better to entertain the possibility that maybe the shame wants to be held. Not judged. No story to be told around it. Simply just held with a loving presence and accepted as part of my wholeness.

My identification with it has and continues to shift, slowly but surely (though sometimes it may not appear that way when crippling fear takes over), but I know that as the more subtle levels present themselves that the work can only go deeper at each level. An important awareness I have around such things is to remember to “drop in” and allow the “bigness of True me” to hold the space for all this to unfold in a safer and expanded way. I can even take the feeling of “contraction” and soften into it with the bigness of me.

I tried the other way, which was to identify with the contraction and convince myself that I was trapped, but clearly for me that can only bring more suffering. If I allow myself to soften into the feelings with my bigness then the landscape of my reality becomes different. What the pattern was before, continues to shift. I am loving who I am remembering to be.

I continue to unpack and unfold. Sometimes it’s messy but that’s ok too because the bigness of me doesn’t focus on just one star but all the stars in one cosmic sky!

It’s getting easier to hold a space for the joy in my life, along with the sadness, triggers, reactions, impatience, anger, deep sadness, losses, gains, grief, fear, exhaustion, contraction, and expansion!

Here’s to life! Here’s to unpacking each moment as I embrace a bigger me and feel lighter, freer, fiercely vulnerable, forgiving, compassionate, and loving more fully.

Only love can hold fear and help fear to soften!

ANXIETY AND PTSD...

Yesterday was an interesting day because 95% of my patients came in expressing that they were in a heightened state of anxiety and/or their PTSD was triggered.

To be transparent, I can relate. The three “right” triggers appeared and I felt an activation happen. It would be normally crippling, overwhelming, sometimes terrorizing, agonizing and exhausting. Rather than go into my old program around how this would show up for me, such as loss of sleep, excessive nervous raw and unprocessed energy, or even intense reactions towards others, I used certain tools to manage what was coming up.

1) I redirected the energy by first grounding it through my body.

2) I redirected the energy through an activity to move the energy.
2a) More often than not, the energy has to be moved through an activity, for me, but in rare instances an activity can be simply sitting in stillness with what emotion is coming up. Even coming into a fetal position or curling into a ball on the floor is a way of holding space for whatever is coming up without any distractions.

3) I looked for something in my surrounding to anchor myself to the moment, the reality of now.

4) I didn’t ignore or try to push away the anxiety. Not even denying it.

5) I asked myself two very important questions:
a) what story am I telling myself about the moment, the current situation? Knowing that the story was just a mental projection based on past scenarios that attempted to foresee a future, that wasn’t rooted in the now.
b) (and this is a potent self-reflective question) what would the present moment look like if I didn’t have the history/story/story-telling that existed as part of the “old data” of the past?

6) Simply claiming and creating a space from whatever circumstance may have triggered the PTSD is a way to feel safe and get clear on what it is I am reacting to and noticing how it’s usually just a thought and that that doesn’t have to have the power it once did. Usually that elephant that we think is in the room is really just the shadow and isn’t really as scary as we believe it to be.

7) Not getting into the narrative around the experience but really just allowing the energy that is the anxiety to move through is more helpful than feeding or getting lost in the thoughts that are the narrative perpetuating the stress or disassociating from it (which isn’t helpful.)

I felt the energy having an expression and finding its way to a calm state. It felt grounding, empowering and the end result of what I initially “reacted” to dissolved. The energy had a way to work through and no harm done.

I’m no stranger to PTSD and anxiety but I’m glad I can find ways within myself to reclaim the present, giving voice to what wasn’t expressed in the past, and finding harmony through acceptance of what is, versus what could or should be or even may be.

I love that I can support others to do the same. If you struggle with such experiences of being human, feel free to PM me.

SPIRITUAL GROUPS: SPIRITUAL POO POO (Bullshit)

I’m officially resigned from any interest in any group that professes to be spiritual. From my experience, I’ve found many groups that do things in the name of spirituality have bigger egos and justify it sometimes or don’t see it because if some self-proclaimed but unspoken spiritual authority or hierarchy.

Although this may sound like a blame, it’s more like a perspective from my experience and an assessment of such scenarios.

Everything is spiritual! This includes when people may not be in integrity and honest. This includes that homeless person on the street and that person shooting up heroin. These people aren’t different than that person being vegetarian or that person meditating in a cave in India.

Everyone is doing the best they can. In this moment this is what reality looks like and what is real. Not the stories we tell about it!

Fortunately, the reality is that I’m in my own intimate experience within a Presence within me. And..just because I’m in integrity doesn’t mean I hold or should people to such standards even though there is a part of me that has an idea of expectation, but life is happening through me and circumstances arise as opportunities for me to learn how to let go of expectations

To live and let live, fluidly and freely. This is what I want for me and in wanting it for me I’d like to share this and hold space for others to do the same.

When I’m triggered, and I catch it, I am quicker about going inward and exploring such terrain. Then return with clarity and better communication. AND there are moments I’m not “perfect” at this and fumble. Im human.

I’m not on a pedestal and I’m happy to help others off as well. Sometimes knocking them the fuck down, if I’m guided to or simply because that’s what happens as part of graces unfolding. In essence, it’s all happening the way it is and I’m not really the doer of the doing.

EVERYONE SHITS! We are in a human body and to deny it as we “do” our “spiritual stuff” is to deny a part of us still.

What I feel I’m responsible for is my own being and how I come across to the best of my ability in any given moment. What I’m responsible for is my feelings.

That’s all ok though. It’s a growing process. Live and learn. Be open to being open and be honoring of when I’m closed and be gentle in this place.

Sometimes I can see and sometimes I can not. I’m not afraid to admit when I don’t know and I profess humbly and significantly less that I know anything, more so these days.

In fact, I’d rather know less than think I know more and I rather support unity than separation, when I can help it.

Part of our integration process into wholeness is the ability to embrace and own our shadow pieces. When we advertise somehow that we work with the light, and don’t work or admit that there’s a darkness, we are being fake and spiritually bypassing.

There are NO new thoughts and every thought, at some point, for everyone, has been recycled. To proclaim the opposite or deny the opposite is to be fake. (In my opinion, but what do I know.)

I’ve had interactions with people in spiritual groups, yoga studios, holistic hearing groups, and then some. I’ve probably stepped on toes and triggered things in others but ask yourself “if I triggered something in you, did I put that trigger there?” If I did it on purpose, I’m sorry. If I did it accidentally, I’m sorry.

Anyways, then without a word or discussion, “poof” I’m no longer in a group. I use to spin my wheels and see “what did I do wrong?” But I stopped this. I’m willing to see and I’m only capable of seeing what I can see when I can see it. I’m open to the possibilities but no longer get snagged or feel a need for something to validate me.

I can’t learn about what offended you if you don’t communicate that with me. I’m not responsible for figuring it out for you but you can help me understand better.

I’m at peace. I try to be as sensitive as possible. I even invite the opportunity to discuss what may be coming up but when the offer is declined, I know it’s not my work, or at least that part of it.

I admit, I can be challenging and trigger triggers. It happens to all of us. My responsibility is to take responsibly for what’s mine. I apologize in the name of being sovereign and not because there’s a right or wrong to stomp my feet about.

Bygones are bygones, as water is under the bridge. I recognize that even when communication is denied that I have me and can only be true to myself, and speak to what my truth is, even if I don’t satisfy the definition of that others has an expectation of how that should look.

I continue to make effort in holding the same space for others. I’m open to constructive criticism as long as it’s from a loving and clear place and not a blaming space.

So, if you invite me to be in a “spiritual group” I may decline because I’m done with any sense of segregation or I may be inclined to accept knowing that it’s transient, and I may be banned for whatever reasons. Knowingly or unknowingly. Lol. I’m sorry/not sorry.

I may accept knowing that there is no separation and that people are still human in all forums. If anything, I feel more conviction and courage in helping dissolve such confinement’s, especially those in the name of spirituality. Lol

With love and Namaste. 🙏🏼🤗😜

INTUITION, HINDSIGHT: PAST LOVE, PRESENT LOVE, FUTURE LOVE

There is no obstacle to love except for us and/or what we believe about it. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel it or we can choose ourselves to shut off from it. Ultimately, love does triumph because it is who we are at the deepest presence of our being. Some of us just learned stories and beliefs about it that have prevented us from experiencing it at certain times but when we are willing to drop our beliefs about what it should look like we can feel a liberation around the heart.

When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, I use to think about regret until I realized that I learned more about myself through relationships than I wanted to acknowledge. With the passing of each relationship I was able to see the gifts that were reflected in my personal growth. How could I regret these when I only learned how to love myself more deeply through what appeared to be failures, but weren’t? How much love I experienced as part of the ending lead me to embracing more of myself and seeing what some of the lessons were in expanding this heart.

That sigh of relief that follows when something is over can represent how light we feel when we are no longer attached to what no longer serves us in that moment. Just know that the relationship was serving and delivered us to this moment, from that moment.

I had a profound epiphany with a relationship that was a year long journey, but finally ended because it ran its course and served its purpose. I learned a lot about myself through it and since it’s ending especially. I learned more about myself and him/his role. One really powerful truth that revealed itself to me, but only after the fact, was that I didn’t honor myself and I didn’t honor my inner feeling/truth and voice.

My judgments came up stronger at moments against myself. I wasn’t loving in some moments. But what’s cool, like a wave rising and retreating, I released from this intense judgmental place into a space deeper in my heart to discover old believes that recreated past pain in the present moment. What does that mean? Simply, that I allowed myself to get lost in a dark space but made my way out with more of myself integrated and loving like the phoenix rising.

I tried making sense of the fact that I felt a contraction sometime after the relationship started. I justified that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with him and so it had to be me because of my past, which was essentially a story I told myself but didn’t know it until after. My belief was “he’s a nice guy and showing up in certain ways that many other guys haven’t.” So how could I explain this contraction then?

In hindsight, I told myself “”that it must be because of the wounding of my past that I have to make this work because if it doesn’t it would be my fault because of how “messed up” I was still.”” I continued to persevere and I went through the motions of what I would do when I’m in love with someone because that’s “what a good boyfriend does” and that “I should continue this path until I unravel the past and figure this all out.”

There really shouldn’t have been a figuring anything out but simply a trusting of what is; yet there are no should’s or shouldn’t’s because what was true in the moment was all that was available in that moment. There was no wrong in it. No wrong in him or me. It was exactly how it was to be.

In hindsight, the contraction, this deeper inner wisdom, was to be trusted. I learned a lot from this loving exchange because let’s face it there was love present between two beings but for me I wasn’t actually in love like that. I thought I should be but my inner wisdom from my heart simply was trying to tell me that this wasn’t true. Though, this experience gave birth to something magnificent.

I went on this adventure only to arrive at this point and that’s the gift of the present moment when I feel into the past. I didn’t trust my inner voice and suppressed this with false beliefs rooted in story telling. Amazing and crazy is the mind, simultaneously. Like Adyashanti says “don’t believe a word you think.”

The future love I desire can only show up when I create space for it which happens now. The past experiences have taught me a great deal. From the intense crazy relationships to the sweet gentle ones, and the ones in between have all reflected to me aspects of both my shadow and light. We can allow these experiences to take us down or lift us up but this all depends on what we want to believe.

When we meet that new love, we enter into the unknown. Similarly, this new love is really about the next level of love I have for myself. We don’t know where it will end up but the journey of the heart opening is worth it, even painful at times, though even thinking that is another story, but essentially it’s about our opening to the infinite love that we are.

With new love and in that unknown there is a mystery, and in that is the shadow and light dancing and frolicking together. We don’t see what we don’t want to see or what we aren’t ready to see...until we are. After the honeymoon phase, crap will usually hit the fan and then the “test” begins as we get to both show up with all our pieces and see how they land.

The heart has no limits except for what the mind believes. The heart whispers a simple yes and no. It contracts and it expands. The yes is more the expansion and the no is more the contraction. Both are accurate. Trust it and see where it goes. If I find myself questioning, then more than likely the mind is getting in the way and creating a false belief about the current reality, taking me away from it.

Like the lotus that comes out of murky waters and shines, the heart prevails and rises above the minds turbulence.

Like a friend once told me “we don’t fall into love, we rise to it.”

ON NOT BEING NORMAL

It’s amazing how sometimes society can deem us “crazy” when we are willing to look at things about ourselves that don’t fit the societal norm.

Imagine that? Going against the grain and what that means when we are willing to go somewhere where society is incapable of because of what it fears if it does.

Who is to say that the norm is norm for everyone? Or that it should be? I agree that to a certain degree when it comes to the idea of harming others, or harming ourselves, that maybe certain thoughts shouldn’t be acted upon and certain “ethical rules” are put in place to help prevent such things.

Yet, everyone at some point or another has had a thought that wasn’t/isn’t “appropriate.” It’s the how we choose or not choose to act upon the thought that can be the key. Simply having a thought doesn’t make it true or real, unless we do something to act upon it to give it more validity and life.

Are we willing to be looked upon as “disturbed” or “messed up” or “broken” or “rebels” or “non-conformists” when we are not following preset societal definitions and conditioning?

Where is the room for our spirit to explore its authenticity?

Artists learn certain rules usually but then find their own way through expression that has its own inherent freedom? Who is to say that our lives as a whole isn’t designed that way? Don’t some of these artists produce profound art that captures the eye?

In fact, what if it’s the predetermined societal conditioned responses that can drive a person mad more than a person actually having a mad thought?

Are we willing to be different? Dance to the beat of our own drum? Risk seeming or appearing different just because we are exploring our own version of individuality, divinity, and uniqueness?

How would we feel if someone validated our own experience?

How would we feel if we didn’t depend on others for our own validity and trusted our own inner knowing that we were in “the right” for ourselves?

How can we feel integrated if we are denying parts of ourselves?

What would we have to lose if we break free of societal chains? What would we have to gain?

Are we willing to be who we are and risk what others might think of us?

What would our connections and interactions look like with each other if we were each willing to look at our own shadows and embrace what was there, and then showed up with this embracing as we met others in the same place?

We spend so much time hiding from ourselves and then thinking we are hiding from others? What we forget is that we inevitably have to face what we have been running from. What we forget is that sometimes people can still see us even when we tell ourselves that they can’t.

Sometimes when we step outside of our own comfort zones and out of boxes others are reminded of the boxes they’re still in and feel threatened. They’ll do anything to hold on and justify the box they’re in, knowingly and unknowingly. This is a powerful opportunity for reflection on many levels. Simultaneously knowing that that is their path and not ours to follow and that following our truth is what is important for this moment and our journey.

Be ferociously loving in your conviction for truth and self discovery and self remembering. Identities of what we thought about ourselves must be willing surrendered to the funeral pyre of transformation in order to dissolve the illusion of untruth, to allow us to experience what has been here all along.

Untruth always surrenders to what is true. It’s a matter of time.

“An un-investigated life is not worth living”-Byron Katie

PAIN, POST TRAUMA, EXPANSION, AND LOVING MY PARTS AS THEY MAKE ME WHOLE

Inevitably escaping from the direct horrors of my life, I’ve recognized how I’ve perpetuated those intense experiences in my mind even with time passing by. These wounds have been the shadows that invited circumstances in my life to eventually face them with a power and conviction from my soul in the today.

Back then, I use to have this secret desire that someone would come save me. Similarly, with the lovers in my life, I held this fantasy of a knight saving me from my pain and despair, also fulfilling my yearning to be loved profoundly.

Today, I have been the one to save me. Today, I have been the knight to love me and sweep me off my own feet. What I had been seeking I remembered was already within me.

The pain that kept me away from love, kept me from myself, was within me. I realized I was giving away my power and have reclaimed it.

Years ago, when I was attending this 12 step group called Survivors of Incest Anonymous, I had this epiphany. I was sitting there listening to the many who would say “Hi, I am so and so and I am a survivor of incest.” It was after many times of saying it myself aloud that I realized that I no longer wanted to identify as a survivor but chose to live from that moment on.

It’s a daily reminder to be present in my power and as I affirm this for myself I affirm that I no longer allow the past to weigh me down, nor do I empower the ghosts of the past to be present today.

The love of my life, my Luis, my soulmate, died 13 years ago. I recently revisited the pain his passing had caused me and saw where I made this subtle choice to shut down and affirm the idea that love is unsafe, scary, and not for me. I revisited this place within myself with the help of a dear friend and where I noticed my contraction I chose a different path for myself rewriting the program and story I told myself. Now, I am open to the pain. I lean into it. I hold space for it. Instead of contracting, I widen even more so to embrace this and the other parts of me that were scary and that are scary. I say yes to love, to life, to living. In reality, I’ve kept myself from myself and limited my potential. Now I say yes to embracing all of it, and all the sides of me me. The seen and unseen. The shadows, the fragments, the pieces that I thought were broken but now see them as parts of me to continue to embrace. It’s not easy but what’s easier, shutting down because of them or widening and embracing my bigness that can hold it all and continue to expand?

I know as part of my humanness and the experience of my journey in this life is to continue to unravel and unwind and embrace my wholeness.

The program I believed in no longer serves me and the me that I’d like to be that is bigger than I can imagine.

THE VOICE OF A CHILD DWELLS INSIDE A MAN

When I was a child, my voice was deprived of validity and importance. I was told to "shut up" or "speak when spoken to" or "children should be seen but not heard." There were many instances where I had it choked to suppression or was stepped on (literally) to the point of losing breath. I would say "it hurts, please stop", but it was speaking to deaf ears. I was ignored as if I didn't exist.

I had become powerless. My truth had been twisted, denied and oppressed. I bought into what others wanted of me. Yet, from the inside, I was screaming in agony. I had exhausted tears. My sense of importance was gone.

I knew that any attempt at getting attention was voided. I learned that by producing negative behaviors, of a "bad kid" would get me some sort of attention that was always rooted in heavy consequences perpetuating the cycle of suffering and multiple abuses. You see, somewhere in me figured that bad attention was better than no attention at all.

It was the only way I could be heard, my pain. It was the only way I knew I existed somehow, that I mattered somehow. I cursed and abandoned any idea that "God" existed. I would think "how could there be a God that allowed such vicious and horrible things to happen to a child that was innocent?"

Amidst this chaos and on occasion, there was at least a glimmer of hope that would remind me of a sliver of humanity, it was enough to somehow keep hopefulness alive, but unfortunately not enough to override what was happening in the moment.

I lived, if that's what you call it, in fear and anxiousness. This was the nest of my introduction to this world. This was my entire childhood.

Years have passed and with an incredible amount of help, support and inner healing, I have regained a voice. Still refining, but it is in the world now. It is back. I'm back and stronger than ever. I'm in my conviction and my power.

I'm grateful because I can share these words with you as an intention of inspiration from a humble vulnerable heart.

How often have we said yes, to an experience when we wanted to say no?

How often do we keep ourselves in a situation that doesn't serve us, because of a supposed fear of what could be left in its when we have released what no longer has its purpose?

How often have we sacrificed ourselves, our truths our voices, because we somehow believed we didn't matter?

Not talking about something that is important to us doesn't make it go away. In fact, it comes out in other ways; sometimes not so pretty and misdirected or even passive aggressive. We can only hide from ourselves for so long. Sometimes even others can detect something before we are able to admit it to ourselves.

Our voice does matter. We all want to be seen and heard, but how are we going about this?

It's up to each of us to honor our own voice that shares what can be true for us, even when we might fear in doing so we may lose something. But if we do lose a something, was it really ours to begin with? Does it serve us to hold onto what doesn't stay?

And maybe it's the acceptance of these truths that provokes the greatest fears. But what if it gives us the gateway towards greatest freedom? Are we willing to step into the unknown, when we know that we have to risk something to gain something (potentially grander)?

Heed the whisper of curiosity that dwells within and desires to be expressed. This inner voice is relentless in guiding us but it's hard to hear sometimes when the radio gets too loud. The chatter can be a distraction. The mind does this as this is what it does but do we have to listen to it and accept its thoughts as truth?

We owe it to ourselves to follow this voice. Trust it. Even when others may not seem to listen, it doesn't matter. Our existence does not depend on others. It's between us and our relationship with our own version and gateway towards divinity.

We are to listen and honor ourselves, and whatever is our truth.

Honor your truth, and I'll honor mine. Even if we may not hear each other or be on the same page, we will work it out so we can arrive at a place where it works and honors both of us simultaneously.

Let's support each other in finding our voices more and more. You're worth it. I'm worth it. We are worth it!

Our individual voice is our own song of the divine.

ON LOVE... ONE LOVE

I have had my share of unhealthy and even abusive relationships, which makes sense considering what my models were.

I learned a type of love that was dependent upon a someone and anything outside of myself.

I bought into the societal images of that fantasy love where there would be a "knight in shining armor" to "save me."

I remember saying, my "other half" and "he would complete me."

I would feel hurt and angry when the expectations of what I wanted a supposed lover to do for me wasn't met.

I had conditions that had to be fulfilled so that I could fit my definition of what I thought love should be or was "suppose" to be.

I would somehow attempt to control or manipulate, in order to feel secure but the reality was that no matter what I did, or what they did it wasn't "enough."

And then, I started coming into myself and exploring my own heart and the shadow pieces to find how I had been chained to untruths.

These chains caused me to feel heavy, oppressed and hopeless. I wanted my identification to someone else to validate my existence somehow, otherwise, I didn't know I existed.

I began my work on exploring my own inner terrain to see where this love I had been searching for was if it wasn't outside of me.

Through many painful relationship experiences, I was able to see how the relationships I was entering into and had had, were reflections of myself and what I needed to see about myself.

When I started owning parts of myself that I perceived as ugly, I was then able to start to see the beauty within. Even these "ugly" parts were looking beautiful.

You see, these wounds we carry are aspects of ourselves that are seeking our attention and essentially love. I realized that I entered into these sort of relationships because there was this part of me that was a magnet and that relationships reflected these parts of me that wanted to be held, by me. I enrolled in unhealthy relationships only to learn that I had an unhealthy relatioship with myself.

I began taking responsibility for myself and honoring myself. If I wanted to be loved, it had to be from within. I started remembering that deep love that is within me and as I embrace my pieces, the pretty and not so pretty ones, my wholeness started to return.

I remember this one last relationship, that he was the most profound teacher for me. It was a very dark relationship but I had to go through it to understand what I was really needing to learn about myself. Then, it happened, one morning after having endured as much as I had I felt this strong surge of power. An awakening had taken place. This relationship I was in was the catalyst and initiation for me to spring-board into the depths of my heart like I had never felt before. An alignment with my heart happened, as everything within me was shattered. My fantasies of what I expected relationships to be, that knight in shining armor, that person to save me from what?...my aloneness within myself. All this faded into ash and turned into stardust. I felt this liberation and opening that was profound, so profound that it brought tears to my eyes.

That morning, I woke up and felt different. The relationship ended because what I needed to see was seen and what transformed was what was held when I gave it space and when it was ready on its own.

The dream turned into reality and reality was my truth.

A shift happened and the love I had been searching for was here within me all along. I had put so much energy outside of myself that I repeated a pattern and kept losing myself to the other and not to the lover.

The lover is within. Aloneness may be a passing emotion, but the key word is that it passes. What remains constant is that love is present and never leaves us unless we leave it.

I didn't really know what love was because I was caught up in the smoke of what others/society had defined it as. When I stopped and cleared the smoke, I remembered this love within me. It's been here since before I was born.

There is no other half or no one to complete me. I am not half a person entering into a relationship and I do not require someone outside of me to complete me because I am not only not broken but I am also whole to begin with.

I have a relationship with myself and as with any relationship, I explore deeper and deeper those places where I still may be unloving. It's not always easy but it's worth the effort because the rewards are by far stellar.

I hold these wounded places to the best of my ability in these moments, as patiently as possible and allow for whatever it is to express itself when I remember.

I looked for love in the "wrong" places only to find that love was right here all along and all I had to do was stop and look within.

I've had and I'm still working with some distractions that slow down my progress, but going slower just means being more intimate with myself when the awareness is had.

Here I am. Ready to go, ready to be here and intimate with my vulnerabilities that make me whole; and to be sovereign.

Love is the container that holds the space for all of it to happen as we remember who we are.

Love calls us all. Can we hear it?

FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

As a child, I was molested, for several years. My will had been abolished and served someone who manipulated and controlled me at his will.

As a child, I was beaten with excessive force, as a means to not only control me but also to be an outlet for others anxiety and aggression.

As a child, I was this sensitive, intuitive and deeply loving little bright being who bought into the untruths that had buried me beneath fears that weren't my own.

As a child, I was emotionally and mentally abused, due to fear and as a means to control. My esteem was completely shredded and any sense of self-worth was dictated according to what served others needs and mine generally neglected. Though, I had clothes on my back, food in my tummy, hot water to bathe with and a roof to shelter me.

Go figure, I had the basics to survive but I didn't have the necessity of feeling love, feeling seen and an unconditional embraced.

I lost my voice. I lost my self. This went on for years and then it changed. It didn't happen instantly but something welled deep within me, to a point where I could no longer ignore it anymore, and reminded me it was there all along.

I remembered that I mattered. I remembered that little starlight being that was serving others in an unloving way was meant to be here and to be of service to the world. I had to learn what was unloving in the world so that I can know love more deeply. I rose up and continue to rise up through the ashes to be reborn as the Phoenix.

I use to play victim and complain of life's unfairness but then I reclaimed my power and remembered that life happens through me.

I went from victim to victor and each day is another opportunity to heal my past through the gifts that show up today and that pave my future as I embrace all of myself right now, in this moment. I remember more and more each day that who I truly am is more amazing than what has happened to me.

OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL WALLS AND WHAT REMAINS AFTER DISTRACTIONS ARE GONE?

The layers of vulnerability are endless so long as we are having this human experience. I've been recently diving into this and exploring it further for myself.

I've been looking at what these distractions look like in my life and wondering about their purpose which has brought me to sharing this message with you.

Distractions, can be a type of addiction and deviate me from becoming intimate with my vulnerability which shows up in the moment. When I indulge in distractions, they are a way to keep me from being fully present in the moment. But what am I afraid of? That's a question deserving of attention. It deserves attention because I can see how distractions may have served me at times but caused me more harm overall because they have prevented me from being fully in the moment and with myself. This is a common scenario I hear when others say they "try meditating but notice how crazy their minds are and aren't really able to sit still, in the silence." This silence is revealing if I allow myself to sink into it gently. At first, in this silence, when we are not indulging in outer activities like technologies (internet/cell phones etc.) or interactions with others and engaging in other forms or substances there is the awareness of the monkey mind and its chaotic nature and then I stop fighting these thoughts by imposing a false understanding of what meditation is which is that thoughts either stop and are suppose to. This becomes a self-sabotage in and of itself as we create the very friction we are looking to not have. When we accept that the nature of the mind is simply thoughts, we have less friction. Adyashanti says "When we resist resistance, resistance resists back. When we resist resisting, resistance releases itself."

These thoughts are simply fragments of stories passing upon a blank screen that remains unscathed and unscratched by these thoughts. These thoughts are like smoke on a mirror and when I can settle into and accept these thoughts as just that, without fighting them or trying to change them, then I enter. "Only thoughts try to change thoughts."-Jeff Foster

Vulnerability is a place where we stand naked to ourselves and are really looking at what is. Sinking deeper into the vulnerability can be a guide towards seeing what truly exists at the core of who we are. As Marianne Williamson and Nelson Mandela have said, "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

As I dive deeper into this, I can feel how the now can seem so threatening and scary, yet I am guilty of calling it boring. There is so much fullness in this moment, though. Slowing down to the present and really noticing what is coming up is powerful. Try it for yourself, even just for a moment. It starts with baby steps.

What am I noticing so far in this exploration? Well, vulnerability is a way of feeling naked in the world. It is a way of being honest and transparent; holding all my pieces, the good ones, and the seemingly not so good ones. Only through embracing all my pieces and accepting all the parts of myself can I truly be integrated and experience wholeness. Any judgment on the parts I least favor is another opportunity to embrace my own diversity and acceptance of my wholeness as Oneness. In creating judgment, I create a wall of my own but essentially walls (from my recent meditations on what a wall represents) is not as much about keeping something from outside from entering but more about preventing what is inside from leaving. It's a self-created imprisonment. I may say and use to say I "want to protect myself", which is necessary at times because protecting ourselves is a key to surviving; but is life simply about survival? Survival isn't fully living.

Anyways, here I am today, looking at how far I've come and noticing the distractions I use and have used to numb out to the moment. When I remove these distractions I'm left with what is here right now, whether it be an awareness of sadness or anger or anxiety or total happiness. I want to feel these things. By feeling these things, versus hiding them, I know I'm no longer hiding from myself. I know that by going into, versus avoidance through distractions, that there is a gift in whatever the moment is delivering. To become whole is to embrace all the pieces of ourselves, regardless. To hold them and accept them as an expression of who we are, though the essence of who we are is untouched by all this and is simply being with the human expression through this body. When I embrace my vulnerability, I am in my own power and no harm can come to me. This reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter, when Voldemort attempts to kill Dumbledore with shards of glass and as he projects them towards Dumbledore, Dumbledore transforms them into dust. Similarly, when I/we own our vulnerability we are in power and have taken power back. When we give up our power, we harm ourselves.

So, I have been making more efforts in limiting my distractions and at times I find myself simply allowing myself to be with what is to see where it takes me. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole, I want to go deeper in myself. Where I notice walls and aversions/avoidances, I sit with and look at them with more gentleness. It's a work in progress but definitely worth the effort, since I know I'm worth the time and effort. Distractions have less of a hold on me. Hiding from what is, takes more energy from us. Hiding from ourselves and our emotions takes more energy from us.

What are your distractions? Are they really serving or hindering you?

If we aren't present with what is, how can we truly experience the change we seek?

MORE ON THE SACRED MASCULINE:

I wrote this piece to an ex-boyfriend of mine. I could see his inner little boy and the potential of the man he could become one day. I realize that this can apply to many of us, maybe even women, if we change the he to she in the context of the writing. Check it out.

THERE IS THE MAN.....

There is the man that I see within you.

He hides beneath the sweetness of your smile.

He covertly lies latent to the gentle boy in you.

This man is strong and yet sensitive.

He is wise and yet innocent.

He is mature and yet playful.

This man is austere and yet elaborate.

He is charismatic and charming.

He is delicate and caring.

This man awaits you from within to rise in the world for others to see.

He has a great deal to offer to the world.

He has a position of power but with grace he expresses it.

This man is not here by accident.

He is responsible with himself first and then with the world.

He encourages others journey as he puts into practice not only with the talk but walks the talk.

This man is independent and stands on his own two feet with open arms.

He is intelligent and yet simple-minded.

He has a greatness that the world is thirsty for.

This man houses a boy who is fragile and unknowing of the world itself.

He has a confidence that exudes through his pores and inspires others to be their best.

He is a model of integrated perfect imperfections.

This man is eager to transcend the weight of his past.

He wears his wounds with honor.

He continues to transform his wounds.

This man deeply desires to be free and exists within integrity.

He is deserving of love.

He deserves the best in life.

This man no longer wishes to hide himself from himself.

He allows himself to feel.

He allows himself to share his thoughts.

This man is non-judgmental and open-minded.

He is unassuming and fair.

He knows his boundaries and honors them, even when no is no and yes is yes.

This man can stand upright and tall.

He can stand up for himself and not be manipulated or controlled.

He doesn't support being a slave to his fears.

This man is dedicated to love.

He is dedicated to his lover and he shows great honor.

He is captivating and adored.

This man is loved by many.

He is desired by lovers and sought after as a magnificent treasure.

His eyes sparkle from a cosmic play like stars shining in a clear dark night.

This man is radiant like the daytime sun on a warm spring morning.

He is eloquent and precise in his words.

His actions affirm his hearts desire.

This man is balanced with his child.

He is loyal and forgiving.

He is giving and ignited.

This man knows when to extend his hand.

He also knows when he should take one.

He is stern when he needs to be and flexible as necessary.

This man serves himself from a loving place.

He shares this beauty with others.

He is calm, cool and collect.

This man is a bearer of light.

He helps to dispel darkness.

He is protective, protecting and protected.

This man is passionate about life.

He appreciates the simple treasures, pleasures and beauty.

He sees the world from a perspective that is universal and kind.

This man is admired.

He is a perfect balance of lover and friend.

He is attentive, mindful and aware.

HEART LANGUAGE

The language of the heart is deep and profound. When we connect heart to heart the mind inevitably melts and becomes seen for what it is. There is a space we enter when we are in the heart that the rest of the world is perceived through a different pair of lens. Not one that is filtered by fear but by the warmest gentlest flame of divine energy. A calmness and stillness rests here that reminds us that all is what is and we can find comfort in this awareness that the observer beholds.

I am humbled and honored in sharing my journey and holding the space for others to transform, as the space has been held for me to unfold. The heart space is the foundation where when we are rooted we can find nurturing and the capacity to explore the density that surrounds the heart, existing from wounds of the past. When we surrender to the heart the wounds melt and future is paved differently but from the here on out. When we surrender deeper to the heart the future and past dissolve and we are left with the magnitude of what is here for us in this moment. 

This weekend, I've reflected on how many beings have come to me with the wounds they carry on their shoulders and by simply striking the cord of the heart grace has guided actions such as words to support an opening to the ray of light that life lends to us; that we are a part of. When we are in suffering it is because we forget that we are part of life and we buy into the notion that life is happening to us. This creates a resistance and friction that the heart knows doesn't serve it. 

I've had men in their 70's who haven't had a connection to their heart in decades begin to melt as the first few tears are shed, mothers who have lost their mothers and lovers; revelations of suppressed abuses and deprivation surprise these great beings and their grasp of the heart so the heart can beat more freely. Through this vessel of Vishnu grace has worked its way through in a way that encourages the release of emotional bondage. I know this process to be true for myself and the great souls I've crossed paths with that have cited me back to my own heart and to excavate through untruth as the light of truth shines again. 

With the heart language, it is our responsibility to ourselves and our heart to explore the deeper crevices and overturn the soil removing weeds that are parasitically invasive and which  provoke suppression, so that we can breathe more freely and be in our being versus caught up by the chaotic nature of the mind that attempts to take us further from ourselves. 

I am honored when individuals come and somehow magically start releasing the plates of armor and discharging the heavy emotions so the hearts can expand. We don't use the mind to heal the heart, we use the heart to heal the heart. 

It's amazing to me to feel in my own journey how with heartache and break that the heart is truly strong enough to handle it as it rebuilds itself over and over again because it has the capacity to do so. What a divine gift that love created. The heart is strong enough to hold it all because love is that strong that it holds all the pieces and sees how they make wholeness. 

How is your heart today? What would you like to share with me? PM if you'd like to share more privately. I honor and respect all of you and your journey.