NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY

is today, on top of Indigenous People’s Day and Columbus Day. What’s interesting about this overlap is that these three groups have had their share of being marginalized in their own ways, and some of this continues today, especially within the Native American and LGBTQ communities, less so for the Italians. In this sharing, I’d like to focus on my coming out. When I was a child, I had some proclivity and attraction for boys my age. I would rough house and wrestle with them, partly knowing this was pleasurable for me. Mind you, all young children possess a natural affinity to be playful in ways with the same gender unless authority figures somehow have introduced them to shame in some form around it which further deepens and fosters an adult that has underlying issues spooled around this core shame, that can develop into adult forms of suppression. As a kid, I played with girls but didn’t “feel” the same chemical reactions I had when I played with boys. When I became a teenager I would fantasize about that cute jock on the football team or celebrities in certain movies. Back then, when I had the occasional brief glance portrayed of a guy's penis in some movie I was in heaven. (It’s interesting how cinema can objectify women and freely show their breasts and hints of the vagina but men only have butt exposure and the rest blocked out mostly, and nowhere near the objectification of women.) Growing up in the Bronx was tough. A community of bully’s bred to instill fear. An Italian American community possessed by the heaviness of Catholic suppression rooted in guilt and shame. The slurs circling the atmosphere which wafted in the air in words of fear such as “faggot”, “fudge packer”, “bitch”, “don’t be a girl”, Hershey highway rider”, “home” and “sissy”. (To name a few) So, no one wanted to be any of these. Some of us learned to develop strong armor and do things in concealed ways over time. We developed a certain acuity like an extrasensory ability to find another like us, though far and few between. (What is commonly called Gaydar) Secretly, I would masturbate to porn and focused on the guy. Part of my own evolution involved developing my own character in a way that sometimes I would describe myself as an Orange where “I’m hard on the outside but sweet, soft and juicy on the inside when you got to know me and when I let you in enough to experience that part of me.” I guess in some ways that are true still to this day. Growing up with this secret wasn’t easy. I tried to date girls because culture/society dictates it to be this way. You didn’t want to be different because you’d be condemned somehow. I remember asking the priest when I was 14 during confession about masturbation and he said “it was the misuse of God’s tool.” If I was a smart ass then as I am now, I would have said “would you like to help me then since someone has to do it.” Lol I became atheist after this, not just because of this but because of all the religious guilt and shaming, and Italian culture that contributed in this way. Though there were other reasons I became atheist at that time which was due to anger about God but that’s a different story. It didn’t stop me from masturbating though, just added distortions while exploring my sexuality. I eventually made it to SUNY Purchase and found myself in an environment that allowed me to explore this part of me. There was an LGBTQ presence on campus and it was without the slurs, violence, and discrimination. Students could “be out” and there were teachers that were out. I had the fortune of having a cross dressing bisexual roommate. This was a blessing in disguise because his girlfriend at the time and her best friend became my two best friends. 27 years later we are still like family. They’re encouraged me along the way. My roommate helped me indulge this secret curiosity by taking me to the West Village where I sat on the corner of Christopher Street and Bleeker. I was wowed and thought “how do I do the gay thing from here?” He suggested we go get a drink and it slowly started for me. I was in awe at the Hangar. I made my first cheesy attempt at trying to “pick up” the bartender. I remember every detail to this day. I was such a novice back then lol I wasn’t necessarily a stranger to sexual activities, you see. I had been a crazed tenet masturbating, in spite of the priest and the idea of a “pervy God” looking down on me as I was, but I also had been sexually violated for many years as a child. (But that’s another story or you can get a general sense of my life story by reading my bio on my website. ) As time progressed on campus, I met the first sweetheart of my life, Mike, who took his time with me in exploring this. He knew my first introduction was traumatizing and cared not to re-traumatize me. In my experience with him, I promised myself I would pay it forward to help guide others in their self-exploration, and on various levels depending on where they were at. Since then, as I continued to come into myself and accept who I was I have helped many guys along the way. I’ve supported them not only in exploring but the whole coming out process. I’ve never really “outed” someone and in the accidental cases where I may have, at least it wasn’t horrible but turned into a blessing in disguise, especially when I’ve dated guys and their parents I met. I’ve never encountered a parent that didn’t like me when it came to an ex I’ve dated. I’m the kind of guy you’d want to take to your parents. During undergrad, I told friends and they all embraced me. If there was a friend that unfriended me, I may have been sad but also realized that they weren’t my friend, to begin with, if this part of me was an obstacle to them. Similarly, this applied to any family member I came out to or knew of me being gay. I told my second oldest brother and he was always supportive of me and said to do what makes me feel happy. He’s always been like that for me. After two and a half years I told my mom. She cried and I had to process some of this with her but a few months later she accepted it and loved me even more so. On occasion, when she sees me struggling with some relationship she may say “just go to Italy and find yourself a good woman.” My response is “I’d ask this woman if she had a hot brother I can meet instead.” I’m no stranger to the challenges of being open about who I am. I have so many stories. My life has been very full for a little guy in the world. There was a time when the different parts of myself finally unified. In certain jobs, if not most jobs, I was able to just be me. I didn’t run around with a banner or gay flag that was obviously outing me but I had/have Mt moments when I’m playful. When I moved to Philly and joined the yoga community as a teacher and authority figure I wasn’t sure how coming out would affect things and at times I also would justify thinking that what my “sexual preference” was didn’t need to be shared because it shouldn’t matter but a friend and former student of mine helped me to come out more when she pointed out that being ambiguous set forth this vibe which created an untrustworthy presentation which is worse than just being transparent. So, I heeded these words of wisdom and made it more clear since then. Things had become lighter and more freeing since then. It’s not to say that in spite of all my expansion and growth and getting more aligned with this truth of myself, elements of misinformed or fear-based individuals haven’t remained. I’ve been called being “AIDS carry faggot over the apps” or homo, or cocksucker through certain communities. It’s clear through the years, I’ve had my share of obscenities being shouted at me with hateful remarks, and that awkward stare from a stranger at me with a partner, to the hate crimes against my fellow LBGTQ family that continue around the globe. The cultures that have medieval means of torture, murder, maim, cut limbs off, and castrate. Or the family members that ostracize, or the communities that excommunicate my fellow family members; or even the suicides that still happen to this day because of such hurtful and hateful aspects of society; along with so many other ways that LGBTQ has not been accepted. What’s interesting about being in the LGBTQ community is that it seems in some cases that there are levels of coming out. For me, the next level consisted of coming out as HIV positive and how that works in the various communities. I’ve had my own layers of acceptance with this fact. Almost 20 years later, and times have certainly made tremendous progress around this. Though, there are still places in the world living as though it’s still the 80s. Being undetectable and having that acknowledged is great progress. Prep is now available to almost everyone for the most part. Life expectancy and quality of life aren’t any different, generally and for those of us that take care of ourselves, than someone who is negative. For some time, HIV is no different than managing diabetes, in certain ways. I helped start and had maintained an HIV-positive social group for almost 6 years in Philadelphia and to share this experience, to provide this resource to others was a valuable asset. The beautiful sharing during many fun events has touched me deeply. To hear others’ struggles in their lives, in society, and in medicine, has been a gift to me. I’ve taken much of the pain and suffering of my past and transformed it into a lighthouse for others to know that it’s possible. How many ways can a person come out in life? How many rebirths can an individual experience? How amazing is it when you can be vulnerable and strong in your vulnerability versus hiding? It takes a lot of work to be in your own shoes, courageous as well. Do I consider safety at times around being gay and being poz? Yes, because I know the world isn’t always kind or friendly so I’m more aware of my surroundings and make certain choices to live and fight another day. There are so many people that are struggling with coming out today. It’s still a thing. Each generation has helped the following generation to make headway so that it can get better. We have seen much of this over the last several decades. The sacrifices in society and science. We would benefit from honoring the past as it is what has brought us to today. I continue to pay it forward and strive to encourage other guys that have had to or continue to ensure societal pressures. I’ve mentored and been a “big brother” to not only youngens but men my age or older that are married and following the old-fashioned template while inauthentically living their lives with this secret behind their wives. As RuPaul says “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!” My addendum to this is “if you’re not able to love yourself enough at times, then surround yourself with people who do until you finally do.” I choose not to live my life bound to the definitions that others project onto me. I live my life for me since I only have one life to live and it’s up to me to give that to myself. It’s the least I can do. I hope to share this with others and to continue to be inspired by others that are loving and living their best life. To help me overcome fears of the past that were believed by me and imposed on me, earlier on. I accept me. If you don’t accept me, you’ll either learn to or just not be around me. Your fears, insecurities, miseducation, misinformation, stigma, and dogma are yours and not mine. I’ve become strong in who I am and have created the life I have chosen to live and encourage others to do the same. I’m the maker of my reality and have made choices to change my circumstance to support myself on being the best and most I can be today so that I’m no longer ruled or haunted by these ghosts of the past that still are real for countless others that love today. If I’ve made my way out of the shadows, it’s possible for many others to do the same. I’m not saying it’s easy for everyone but it can get better and shouldn’t be done alone! It can’t be. Community is important. My work is not done here and in so many ways. This is my synopsis of honoring my Coming Out.