The layers of vulnerability are endless so long as we are having this human experience. I've been recently diving into this and exploring it further for myself.
I've been looking at what these distractions look like in my life and wondering about their purpose which has brought me to sharing this message with you.
Distractions, can be a type of addiction and deviate me from becoming intimate with my vulnerability which shows up in the moment. When I indulge in distractions, they are a way to keep me from being fully present in the moment. But what am I afraid of? That's a question deserving of attention. It deserves attention because I can see how distractions may have served me at times but caused me more harm overall because they have prevented me from being fully in the moment and with myself. This is a common scenario I hear when others say they "try meditating but notice how crazy their minds are and aren't really able to sit still, in the silence." This silence is revealing if I allow myself to sink into it gently. At first, in this silence, when we are not indulging in outer activities like technologies (internet/cell phones etc.) or interactions with others and engaging in other forms or substances there is the awareness of the monkey mind and its chaotic nature and then I stop fighting these thoughts by imposing a false understanding of what meditation is which is that thoughts either stop and are suppose to. This becomes a self-sabotage in and of itself as we create the very friction we are looking to not have. When we accept that the nature of the mind is simply thoughts, we have less friction. Adyashanti says "When we resist resistance, resistance resists back. When we resist resisting, resistance releases itself."
These thoughts are simply fragments of stories passing upon a blank screen that remains unscathed and unscratched by these thoughts. These thoughts are like smoke on a mirror and when I can settle into and accept these thoughts as just that, without fighting them or trying to change them, then I enter. "Only thoughts try to change thoughts."-Jeff Foster
Vulnerability is a place where we stand naked to ourselves and are really looking at what is. Sinking deeper into the vulnerability can be a guide towards seeing what truly exists at the core of who we are. As Marianne Williamson and Nelson Mandela have said, "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
As I dive deeper into this, I can feel how the now can seem so threatening and scary, yet I am guilty of calling it boring. There is so much fullness in this moment, though. Slowing down to the present and really noticing what is coming up is powerful. Try it for yourself, even just for a moment. It starts with baby steps.
What am I noticing so far in this exploration? Well, vulnerability is a way of feeling naked in the world. It is a way of being honest and transparent; holding all my pieces, the good ones, and the seemingly not so good ones. Only through embracing all my pieces and accepting all the parts of myself can I truly be integrated and experience wholeness. Any judgment on the parts I least favor is another opportunity to embrace my own diversity and acceptance of my wholeness as Oneness. In creating judgment, I create a wall of my own but essentially walls (from my recent meditations on what a wall represents) is not as much about keeping something from outside from entering but more about preventing what is inside from leaving. It's a self-created imprisonment. I may say and use to say I "want to protect myself", which is necessary at times because protecting ourselves is a key to surviving; but is life simply about survival? Survival isn't fully living.
Anyways, here I am today, looking at how far I've come and noticing the distractions I use and have used to numb out to the moment. When I remove these distractions I'm left with what is here right now, whether it be an awareness of sadness or anger or anxiety or total happiness. I want to feel these things. By feeling these things, versus hiding them, I know I'm no longer hiding from myself. I know that by going into, versus avoidance through distractions, that there is a gift in whatever the moment is delivering. To become whole is to embrace all the pieces of ourselves, regardless. To hold them and accept them as an expression of who we are, though the essence of who we are is untouched by all this and is simply being with the human expression through this body. When I embrace my vulnerability, I am in my own power and no harm can come to me. This reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter, when Voldemort attempts to kill Dumbledore with shards of glass and as he projects them towards Dumbledore, Dumbledore transforms them into dust. Similarly, when I/we own our vulnerability we are in power and have taken power back. When we give up our power, we harm ourselves.
So, I have been making more efforts in limiting my distractions and at times I find myself simply allowing myself to be with what is to see where it takes me. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole, I want to go deeper in myself. Where I notice walls and aversions/avoidances, I sit with and look at them with more gentleness. It's a work in progress but definitely worth the effort, since I know I'm worth the time and effort. Distractions have less of a hold on me. Hiding from what is, takes more energy from us. Hiding from ourselves and our emotions takes more energy from us.
What are your distractions? Are they really serving or hindering you?
If we aren't present with what is, how can we truly experience the change we seek?