When I was a child, my voice was deprived of validity and importance. I was told to "shut up" or "speak when spoken to" or "children should be seen but not heard." There were many instances where I had it choked to suppression or was stepped on (literally) to the point of losing breath. I would say "it hurts, please stop", but it was speaking to deaf ears. I was ignored as if I didn't exist.
I had become powerless. My truth had been twisted, denied and oppressed. I bought into what others wanted of me. Yet, from the inside, I was screaming in agony. I had exhausted tears. My sense of importance was gone.
I knew that any attempt at getting attention was voided. I learned that by producing negative behaviors, of a "bad kid" would get me some sort of attention that was always rooted in heavy consequences perpetuating the cycle of suffering and multiple abuses. You see, somewhere in me figured that bad attention was better than no attention at all.
It was the only way I could be heard, my pain. It was the only way I knew I existed somehow, that I mattered somehow. I cursed and abandoned any idea that "God" existed. I would think "how could there be a God that allowed such vicious and horrible things to happen to a child that was innocent?"
Amidst this chaos and on occasion, there was at least a glimmer of hope that would remind me of a sliver of humanity, it was enough to somehow keep hopefulness alive, but unfortunately not enough to override what was happening in the moment.
I lived, if that's what you call it, in fear and anxiousness. This was the nest of my introduction to this world. This was my entire childhood.
Years have passed and with an incredible amount of help, support and inner healing, I have regained a voice. Still refining, but it is in the world now. It is back. I'm back and stronger than ever. I'm in my conviction and my power.
I'm grateful because I can share these words with you as an intention of inspiration from a humble vulnerable heart.
How often have we said yes, to an experience when we wanted to say no?
How often do we keep ourselves in a situation that doesn't serve us, because of a supposed fear of what could be left in its when we have released what no longer has its purpose?
How often have we sacrificed ourselves, our truths our voices, because we somehow believed we didn't matter?
Not talking about something that is important to us doesn't make it go away. In fact, it comes out in other ways; sometimes not so pretty and misdirected or even passive aggressive. We can only hide from ourselves for so long. Sometimes even others can detect something before we are able to admit it to ourselves.
Our voice does matter. We all want to be seen and heard, but how are we going about this?
It's up to each of us to honor our own voice that shares what can be true for us, even when we might fear in doing so we may lose something. But if we do lose a something, was it really ours to begin with? Does it serve us to hold onto what doesn't stay?
And maybe it's the acceptance of these truths that provokes the greatest fears. But what if it gives us the gateway towards greatest freedom? Are we willing to step into the unknown, when we know that we have to risk something to gain something (potentially grander)?
Heed the whisper of curiosity that dwells within and desires to be expressed. This inner voice is relentless in guiding us but it's hard to hear sometimes when the radio gets too loud. The chatter can be a distraction. The mind does this as this is what it does but do we have to listen to it and accept its thoughts as truth?
We owe it to ourselves to follow this voice. Trust it. Even when others may not seem to listen, it doesn't matter. Our existence does not depend on others. It's between us and our relationship with our own version and gateway towards divinity.
We are to listen and honor ourselves, and whatever is our truth.
Honor your truth, and I'll honor mine. Even if we may not hear each other or be on the same page, we will work it out so we can arrive at a place where it works and honors both of us simultaneously.
Let's support each other in finding our voices more and more. You're worth it. I'm worth it. We are worth it!
Our individual voice is our own song of the divine.