There is no obstacle to love except for us and/or what we believe about it. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel it or we can choose ourselves to shut off from it. Ultimately, love does triumph because it is who we are at the deepest presence of our being. Some of us just learned stories and beliefs about it that have prevented us from experiencing it at certain times but when we are willing to drop our beliefs about what it should look like we can feel a liberation around the heart.
When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, I use to think about regret until I realized that I learned more about myself through relationships than I wanted to acknowledge. With the passing of each relationship I was able to see the gifts that were reflected in my personal growth. How could I regret these when I only learned how to love myself more deeply through what appeared to be failures, but weren’t? How much love I experienced as part of the ending lead me to embracing more of myself and seeing what some of the lessons were in expanding this heart.
That sigh of relief that follows when something is over can represent how light we feel when we are no longer attached to what no longer serves us in that moment. Just know that the relationship was serving and delivered us to this moment, from that moment.
I had a profound epiphany with a relationship that was a year long journey, but finally ended because it ran its course and served its purpose. I learned a lot about myself through it and since it’s ending especially. I learned more about myself and him/his role. One really powerful truth that revealed itself to me, but only after the fact, was that I didn’t honor myself and I didn’t honor my inner feeling/truth and voice.
My judgments came up stronger at moments against myself. I wasn’t loving in some moments. But what’s cool, like a wave rising and retreating, I released from this intense judgmental place into a space deeper in my heart to discover old believes that recreated past pain in the present moment. What does that mean? Simply, that I allowed myself to get lost in a dark space but made my way out with more of myself integrated and loving like the phoenix rising.
I tried making sense of the fact that I felt a contraction sometime after the relationship started. I justified that there wasn’t anything “wrong” with him and so it had to be me because of my past, which was essentially a story I told myself but didn’t know it until after. My belief was “he’s a nice guy and showing up in certain ways that many other guys haven’t.” So how could I explain this contraction then?
In hindsight, I told myself “”that it must be because of the wounding of my past that I have to make this work because if it doesn’t it would be my fault because of how “messed up” I was still.”” I continued to persevere and I went through the motions of what I would do when I’m in love with someone because that’s “what a good boyfriend does” and that “I should continue this path until I unravel the past and figure this all out.”
There really shouldn’t have been a figuring anything out but simply a trusting of what is; yet there are no should’s or shouldn’t’s because what was true in the moment was all that was available in that moment. There was no wrong in it. No wrong in him or me. It was exactly how it was to be.
In hindsight, the contraction, this deeper inner wisdom, was to be trusted. I learned a lot from this loving exchange because let’s face it there was love present between two beings but for me I wasn’t actually in love like that. I thought I should be but my inner wisdom from my heart simply was trying to tell me that this wasn’t true. Though, this experience gave birth to something magnificent.
I went on this adventure only to arrive at this point and that’s the gift of the present moment when I feel into the past. I didn’t trust my inner voice and suppressed this with false beliefs rooted in story telling. Amazing and crazy is the mind, simultaneously. Like Adyashanti says “don’t believe a word you think.”
The future love I desire can only show up when I create space for it which happens now. The past experiences have taught me a great deal. From the intense crazy relationships to the sweet gentle ones, and the ones in between have all reflected to me aspects of both my shadow and light. We can allow these experiences to take us down or lift us up but this all depends on what we want to believe.
When we meet that new love, we enter into the unknown. Similarly, this new love is really about the next level of love I have for myself. We don’t know where it will end up but the journey of the heart opening is worth it, even painful at times, though even thinking that is another story, but essentially it’s about our opening to the infinite love that we are.
With new love and in that unknown there is a mystery, and in that is the shadow and light dancing and frolicking together. We don’t see what we don’t want to see or what we aren’t ready to see...until we are. After the honeymoon phase, crap will usually hit the fan and then the “test” begins as we get to both show up with all our pieces and see how they land.
The heart has no limits except for what the mind believes. The heart whispers a simple yes and no. It contracts and it expands. The yes is more the expansion and the no is more the contraction. Both are accurate. Trust it and see where it goes. If I find myself questioning, then more than likely the mind is getting in the way and creating a false belief about the current reality, taking me away from it.
Like the lotus that comes out of murky waters and shines, the heart prevails and rises above the minds turbulence.
Like a friend once told me “we don’t fall into love, we rise to it.”