I have had my share of unhealthy and even abusive relationships, which makes sense considering what my models were.
I learned a type of love that was dependent upon a someone and anything outside of myself.
I bought into the societal images of that fantasy love where there would be a "knight in shining armor" to "save me."
I remember saying, my "other half" and "he would complete me."
I would feel hurt and angry when the expectations of what I wanted a supposed lover to do for me wasn't met.
I had conditions that had to be fulfilled so that I could fit my definition of what I thought love should be or was "suppose" to be.
I would somehow attempt to control or manipulate, in order to feel secure but the reality was that no matter what I did, or what they did it wasn't "enough."
And then, I started coming into myself and exploring my own heart and the shadow pieces to find how I had been chained to untruths.
These chains caused me to feel heavy, oppressed and hopeless. I wanted my identification to someone else to validate my existence somehow, otherwise, I didn't know I existed.
I began my work on exploring my own inner terrain to see where this love I had been searching for was if it wasn't outside of me.
Through many painful relationship experiences, I was able to see how the relationships I was entering into and had had, were reflections of myself and what I needed to see about myself.
When I started owning parts of myself that I perceived as ugly, I was then able to start to see the beauty within. Even these "ugly" parts were looking beautiful.
You see, these wounds we carry are aspects of ourselves that are seeking our attention and essentially love. I realized that I entered into these sort of relationships because there was this part of me that was a magnet and that relationships reflected these parts of me that wanted to be held, by me. I enrolled in unhealthy relationships only to learn that I had an unhealthy relatioship with myself.
I began taking responsibility for myself and honoring myself. If I wanted to be loved, it had to be from within. I started remembering that deep love that is within me and as I embrace my pieces, the pretty and not so pretty ones, my wholeness started to return.
I remember this one last relationship, that he was the most profound teacher for me. It was a very dark relationship but I had to go through it to understand what I was really needing to learn about myself. Then, it happened, one morning after having endured as much as I had I felt this strong surge of power. An awakening had taken place. This relationship I was in was the catalyst and initiation for me to spring-board into the depths of my heart like I had never felt before. An alignment with my heart happened, as everything within me was shattered. My fantasies of what I expected relationships to be, that knight in shining armor, that person to save me from what?...my aloneness within myself. All this faded into ash and turned into stardust. I felt this liberation and opening that was profound, so profound that it brought tears to my eyes.
That morning, I woke up and felt different. The relationship ended because what I needed to see was seen and what transformed was what was held when I gave it space and when it was ready on its own.
The dream turned into reality and reality was my truth.
A shift happened and the love I had been searching for was here within me all along. I had put so much energy outside of myself that I repeated a pattern and kept losing myself to the other and not to the lover.
The lover is within. Aloneness may be a passing emotion, but the key word is that it passes. What remains constant is that love is present and never leaves us unless we leave it.
I didn't really know what love was because I was caught up in the smoke of what others/society had defined it as. When I stopped and cleared the smoke, I remembered this love within me. It's been here since before I was born.
There is no other half or no one to complete me. I am not half a person entering into a relationship and I do not require someone outside of me to complete me because I am not only not broken but I am also whole to begin with.
I have a relationship with myself and as with any relationship, I explore deeper and deeper those places where I still may be unloving. It's not always easy but it's worth the effort because the rewards are by far stellar.
I hold these wounded places to the best of my ability in these moments, as patiently as possible and allow for whatever it is to express itself when I remember.
I looked for love in the "wrong" places only to find that love was right here all along and all I had to do was stop and look within.
I've had and I'm still working with some distractions that slow down my progress, but going slower just means being more intimate with myself when the awareness is had.
Here I am. Ready to go, ready to be here and intimate with my vulnerabilities that make me whole; and to be sovereign.
Love is the container that holds the space for all of it to happen as we remember who we are.
Love calls us all. Can we hear it?