Long ago I believed the fantasy that a "knight in shining armor" (being that I'm a gay man) would sweep me off my feet.
I later realized the rough truth (after trying and trying to make this fantasy a reality but failing every time) that the reality of such a story was simply a fantasy and has no actual root in reality.
Somehow I learned that something/someone outside of me could fulfill, complete, and even fully satisfy me. What a heavy burden to have to place on someone else. What an intense displacement of my power.
I remember my first true love and soulmate telling me that the idea of even saying "my other half" is rooted in toxic thought. He said that "I don't walk into a relationship as half a person. I step into a relationship with my whole being." Profound thoughts to a young grasshopper such as myself.
It is with wholeness that I step into a relationship. I would be asked "why are you single?" and I would say that "guys were dumb or unavailable or just not capable." I realized that after spending so much energy through my energy into blame as if it was someone else's responsibility to take the fear, loneliness, insecurities, and aloneness away.
How crazy was it to think that way. I awoke to this truth within me, although I'm still digesting and integrating it, holding space with it, that the reason why I was attracting inept guys (to whatever degree) was not because of a fault of theirs but the reflection that I wasn't honestly looking to face which is that of course I'd attract such guys...it's because I was unavailable to myself. I was the one actually afraid of the vulnerabilty and intimacy that comes with the depths of a relationship.
I was the one that would rather blame someone else than take full responsibility for myself own stuff. I would somehow run within the relationship and then when I perceived this in others I would say something was "wrong" with them, when in reality they were mirroring for me..me on some level. We are each magnets and we attract in a partner (or any sort of relationship) the "good qualities" in ourselves and the "not as good qualities" in ourselves.
The romantic/honeymoon period was all the glamor and excitement of the hormones and the new experience of each other, but as time does what time does and of the relationship makes it past this period (which depends on the contracts of the souls coming together that determines how long or short this lasts) SHIT hits the fan. Realness kicks in. Stuff comes up and this stuff never goes away. It simple gets smaller over time with the willingness to take responsibility for the self and work in it. Addressing it.
You see, this is the perfection of it. The challenges and the joy, the love and the dislike, the comfort and discomfort. They are inseparable. We tend to want to change others or fix them but this is a projection and not our responsibility. We can be inspiring and loving and hold a space for what is present. The rest is just simply (but not always seemingly simple) up to grace to unfold things accordingly.
We can blame others or say that "if only so and so did this, then I can experience x,y,z" but this is yet another projection and displacement of responsibility. If we wonder what it is that we have in front of us, it is up to each and everyone of us to look inward to see "what is it in me that invited and attracted this towards me." Not the other way around.
Sometimes we even get lost by the veil we see when we see others in relationship looking "happy" but again this is another story that the mind creates. We in fact don't know what happens behind closed doors. Every relationship has their own dynamics. With each relationship the common theme is me. Therefore, what I attract is based on what I'm stepping into the story with.
There are mainly two types of relationships. One that we call "soulmate" and the other "wound mate." I feel a soul mate is actually someone else that you share a moment with and however long it lasts, it serves a purpose to support growth and expansion. Which isn't pretty. Truth is sexy but it isn't always pretty. They thrive on the successes of the challenges.
Whereas, wound-mates are those relationships where individuals come together and just trip over each other, over and over and over and over. Not evolving. Like two addicts that use and blame each other for the failures. On some level the soul already understands this as being part of an overall journey, just takes time to make a shift but a shift is inevitable.
I've had my share of the latter and luckily for my internal guidance (that I didn't know was what was happening when it was) I was guided out of these scenarios and have since then been able to look back and acknowledge them as my teachers that helped me to return to myself.
In recent times, the partner(s) I've connected with are recognized as soul-mates because we share a common theme and element that involves the expansion of the heart through the dissolution of untruths.
I had attached to so many things that I thought the comfort came from the outside. Time, patience, and loving presence have shown me that solidity and comfort comes from within. In order to want to be loved I have to show it through my own actions with myself and then convey this outwardly.
In the past year, I have been learning the fluidity of love. I have been exploring the freedom of what love really can look like by giving it to myself. It's only fair that I hold the space for others to experience the same.
To want someone to be how I'd like them to be or to impose a change is only a way I trap myself. I don't want to be trapped or confined. My heart and soul are much bigger than what the insecurities of the mind can protect. By letting others be who they are, I can be free to be me. I cherish my freedom. I cherish fluidity.
If there is an alignment with certain core values/sentiments, then great. If there isn't, then that's great too but doesn't mean it is meant to be in a relationship. Here's where we can let go, lovingly, with holding space even for such differences.
It has been a tremendous journey. It continues to be. As I evolve and embrace more of myself, I can hold a space for others and inspire this in others. The freedom I desire for myself is equally reciprocated when I grant it to others.
Each day I learn more about the fluidity of love. I am grateful for the current partner in my life who is "the one" in this moment, that reflects where I am loving and where I and still afraid to love. I continue to embrace the love that I am, the restrictions and unnecessary expectations so I can free myself from my own bondage.
I am grateful. I am love.