Some call it suicide but maybe the one’s that are desiring and/or committing suicide would call it the end of suffering.

This is a topic, a thought, that has woven in and out of my own consciousness over the many decades of my life. I’ve had dear friends commit suicide, knowingly and unknowingly. I have had thoughts of this in my years, even in recent times. A fleeting thought that comes like a cloud passing the sky. Sometimes it sticks around longer and other times it’s not there. Part of the human experience. Part of understanding life is knowing that the greatest teacher to life is death.

It’s a thought that some of us have thought about for whatever reason(s). You see, sometimes internal suffering can run so deep that it’s unbearable and the only option that seems less painful is the cessation of the physical body.

Sometimes the pain of life can be and seem so unbearable that it’s better to just leave it all behind. I had a dear friend who committed suicide many years ago. She suffered gravely from physical ailments that weren’t able to be resolved with any and every effort. Her option was to finally stop her breathing to find that peace she so deeply sought. Some may have known that she suffered severely. Others didn’t even know. Mind you, she left her husband and only son behind.

A couple years ago, a dear friend of who committed suicide. He was determined. He tied cement blocks to his feet, drank a bottle of alcohol, and threw himself in his pool. He was determined to die. You would never have known that by interactions with him. He smiled a lot. Made light of things. His life seemed successful (at the surface.) Yet, beneath this surface he secretly carried this weight of depression and sadness and it became unbearable. It was too much and time to go.

Silence=Death. Suicidal ideation and preponderant thoughts of such is a silent suffering. The person could feel that they’re dying on the inside. Some people may not understand this and somehow find the silver lining even when the clouds look dismal. Others don’t even see the silver lining, though they try to convince themselves that there is one. This may prolong the inevitable or simply speed it up when that dream of things being better seems unrealistic.

From some “spiritual” perspectives, the notion of suicide can be understood as a wanting to experience death at some level of the ego that has its rootedness in some sort of belief(s) that are filled with suffering and where change is either desired or warranted. This may be true. Some individuals may just feel this strong pull to end life because, well, just because enough is enough and the mental chambers can seem like Dante’s inferno.

It was interesting to learn in the news today that someone committed suicide because she suffered from depression. Surprisingly so. She was very successful and well known, well-liked. She was social and admired by many. But, how well did people know her to know that maybe every moment of her life was accompanied by this secret and silent sadness, grief, and pain that it anchored her reality and out weighed the understanding that her life was of value and worth living? Who knows better then her?

From a torturous standpoint, the mind can create the argument that too much is too much and there’s an asphyxiation, so why continue to live this way? Secretly suffering. No one really understanding unless they’ve been there. The rest is compassionate denial or ignorance or a discomfort that renders people debilitated in knowing the “right thing to say”. It’s easy to say to someone that life is amazing. “Your life is worth living”, “we don’t want you to die”, or whatever the projected thought is but it denies the understanding that the person is suffering and feels trapped in their thoughts with no way out. Period! Cessation of life seems like the lighter and easier option. Secretly suffering in this lonely place isn’t fun at all in these moments. You can already feel non-existent so why not go all the way with it? It can make sense to this person. I get it. The people who cry about it are least likely to do it, statistically speaking,BUT how many cries dies it take when something hasn’t shifted enough that finally not crying wolf leads to actually facing the wolf and poof..snuffed like the light of a candle the wind comes and goes?

To be honest and consider such a situation allows me to embrace these dark(er) places (not bad) as a place that life is still expressing itself through, and by shining the light of awareness on all the shadow pieces that can be real for me in any given moment. This is just a part of us and embracing it and the many parts is about integrating into our wholeness. (Whether the person takes their life or not.)

Does the person see the rainbow and the dark clouds or simply the dark clouds?

Sometimes the perception of suffering seems like too much and enough is enough. Sometimes the thought is acknowledged as a fleeting feeling and keeps on moving.