THE VOICE OF A CHILD DWELLS INSIDE A MAN

When I was a child, my voice was deprived of validity and importance. I was told to "shut up" or "speak when spoken to" or "children should be seen but not heard." There were many instances where I had it choked to suppression or was stepped on (literally) to the point of losing breath. I would say "it hurts, please stop", but it was speaking to deaf ears. I was ignored as if I didn't exist.

I had become powerless. My truth had been twisted, denied and oppressed. I bought into what others wanted of me. Yet, from the inside, I was screaming in agony. I had exhausted tears. My sense of importance was gone.

I knew that any attempt at getting attention was voided. I learned that by producing negative behaviors, of a "bad kid" would get me some sort of attention that was always rooted in heavy consequences perpetuating the cycle of suffering and multiple abuses. You see, somewhere in me figured that bad attention was better than no attention at all.

It was the only way I could be heard, my pain. It was the only way I knew I existed somehow, that I mattered somehow. I cursed and abandoned any idea that "God" existed. I would think "how could there be a God that allowed such vicious and horrible things to happen to a child that was innocent?"

Amidst this chaos and on occasion, there was at least a glimmer of hope that would remind me of a sliver of humanity, it was enough to somehow keep hopefulness alive, but unfortunately not enough to override what was happening in the moment.

I lived, if that's what you call it, in fear and anxiousness. This was the nest of my introduction to this world. This was my entire childhood.

Years have passed and with an incredible amount of help, support and inner healing, I have regained a voice. Still refining, but it is in the world now. It is back. I'm back and stronger than ever. I'm in my conviction and my power.

I'm grateful because I can share these words with you as an intention of inspiration from a humble vulnerable heart.

How often have we said yes, to an experience when we wanted to say no?

How often do we keep ourselves in a situation that doesn't serve us, because of a supposed fear of what could be left in its when we have released what no longer has its purpose?

How often have we sacrificed ourselves, our truths our voices, because we somehow believed we didn't matter?

Not talking about something that is important to us doesn't make it go away. In fact, it comes out in other ways; sometimes not so pretty and misdirected or even passive aggressive. We can only hide from ourselves for so long. Sometimes even others can detect something before we are able to admit it to ourselves.

Our voice does matter. We all want to be seen and heard, but how are we going about this?

It's up to each of us to honor our own voice that shares what can be true for us, even when we might fear in doing so we may lose something. But if we do lose a something, was it really ours to begin with? Does it serve us to hold onto what doesn't stay?

And maybe it's the acceptance of these truths that provokes the greatest fears. But what if it gives us the gateway towards greatest freedom? Are we willing to step into the unknown, when we know that we have to risk something to gain something (potentially grander)?

Heed the whisper of curiosity that dwells within and desires to be expressed. This inner voice is relentless in guiding us but it's hard to hear sometimes when the radio gets too loud. The chatter can be a distraction. The mind does this as this is what it does but do we have to listen to it and accept its thoughts as truth?

We owe it to ourselves to follow this voice. Trust it. Even when others may not seem to listen, it doesn't matter. Our existence does not depend on others. It's between us and our relationship with our own version and gateway towards divinity.

We are to listen and honor ourselves, and whatever is our truth.

Honor your truth, and I'll honor mine. Even if we may not hear each other or be on the same page, we will work it out so we can arrive at a place where it works and honors both of us simultaneously.

Let's support each other in finding our voices more and more. You're worth it. I'm worth it. We are worth it!

Our individual voice is our own song of the divine.

ON LOVE... ONE LOVE

I have had my share of unhealthy and even abusive relationships, which makes sense considering what my models were.

I learned a type of love that was dependent upon a someone and anything outside of myself.

I bought into the societal images of that fantasy love where there would be a "knight in shining armor" to "save me."

I remember saying, my "other half" and "he would complete me."

I would feel hurt and angry when the expectations of what I wanted a supposed lover to do for me wasn't met.

I had conditions that had to be fulfilled so that I could fit my definition of what I thought love should be or was "suppose" to be.

I would somehow attempt to control or manipulate, in order to feel secure but the reality was that no matter what I did, or what they did it wasn't "enough."

And then, I started coming into myself and exploring my own heart and the shadow pieces to find how I had been chained to untruths.

These chains caused me to feel heavy, oppressed and hopeless. I wanted my identification to someone else to validate my existence somehow, otherwise, I didn't know I existed.

I began my work on exploring my own inner terrain to see where this love I had been searching for was if it wasn't outside of me.

Through many painful relationship experiences, I was able to see how the relationships I was entering into and had had, were reflections of myself and what I needed to see about myself.

When I started owning parts of myself that I perceived as ugly, I was then able to start to see the beauty within. Even these "ugly" parts were looking beautiful.

You see, these wounds we carry are aspects of ourselves that are seeking our attention and essentially love. I realized that I entered into these sort of relationships because there was this part of me that was a magnet and that relationships reflected these parts of me that wanted to be held, by me. I enrolled in unhealthy relationships only to learn that I had an unhealthy relatioship with myself.

I began taking responsibility for myself and honoring myself. If I wanted to be loved, it had to be from within. I started remembering that deep love that is within me and as I embrace my pieces, the pretty and not so pretty ones, my wholeness started to return.

I remember this one last relationship, that he was the most profound teacher for me. It was a very dark relationship but I had to go through it to understand what I was really needing to learn about myself. Then, it happened, one morning after having endured as much as I had I felt this strong surge of power. An awakening had taken place. This relationship I was in was the catalyst and initiation for me to spring-board into the depths of my heart like I had never felt before. An alignment with my heart happened, as everything within me was shattered. My fantasies of what I expected relationships to be, that knight in shining armor, that person to save me from what?...my aloneness within myself. All this faded into ash and turned into stardust. I felt this liberation and opening that was profound, so profound that it brought tears to my eyes.

That morning, I woke up and felt different. The relationship ended because what I needed to see was seen and what transformed was what was held when I gave it space and when it was ready on its own.

The dream turned into reality and reality was my truth.

A shift happened and the love I had been searching for was here within me all along. I had put so much energy outside of myself that I repeated a pattern and kept losing myself to the other and not to the lover.

The lover is within. Aloneness may be a passing emotion, but the key word is that it passes. What remains constant is that love is present and never leaves us unless we leave it.

I didn't really know what love was because I was caught up in the smoke of what others/society had defined it as. When I stopped and cleared the smoke, I remembered this love within me. It's been here since before I was born.

There is no other half or no one to complete me. I am not half a person entering into a relationship and I do not require someone outside of me to complete me because I am not only not broken but I am also whole to begin with.

I have a relationship with myself and as with any relationship, I explore deeper and deeper those places where I still may be unloving. It's not always easy but it's worth the effort because the rewards are by far stellar.

I hold these wounded places to the best of my ability in these moments, as patiently as possible and allow for whatever it is to express itself when I remember.

I looked for love in the "wrong" places only to find that love was right here all along and all I had to do was stop and look within.

I've had and I'm still working with some distractions that slow down my progress, but going slower just means being more intimate with myself when the awareness is had.

Here I am. Ready to go, ready to be here and intimate with my vulnerabilities that make me whole; and to be sovereign.

Love is the container that holds the space for all of it to happen as we remember who we are.

Love calls us all. Can we hear it?

FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

As a child, I was molested, for several years. My will had been abolished and served someone who manipulated and controlled me at his will.

As a child, I was beaten with excessive force, as a means to not only control me but also to be an outlet for others anxiety and aggression.

As a child, I was this sensitive, intuitive and deeply loving little bright being who bought into the untruths that had buried me beneath fears that weren't my own.

As a child, I was emotionally and mentally abused, due to fear and as a means to control. My esteem was completely shredded and any sense of self-worth was dictated according to what served others needs and mine generally neglected. Though, I had clothes on my back, food in my tummy, hot water to bathe with and a roof to shelter me.

Go figure, I had the basics to survive but I didn't have the necessity of feeling love, feeling seen and an unconditional embraced.

I lost my voice. I lost my self. This went on for years and then it changed. It didn't happen instantly but something welled deep within me, to a point where I could no longer ignore it anymore, and reminded me it was there all along.

I remembered that I mattered. I remembered that little starlight being that was serving others in an unloving way was meant to be here and to be of service to the world. I had to learn what was unloving in the world so that I can know love more deeply. I rose up and continue to rise up through the ashes to be reborn as the Phoenix.

I use to play victim and complain of life's unfairness but then I reclaimed my power and remembered that life happens through me.

I went from victim to victor and each day is another opportunity to heal my past through the gifts that show up today and that pave my future as I embrace all of myself right now, in this moment. I remember more and more each day that who I truly am is more amazing than what has happened to me.

OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL WALLS AND WHAT REMAINS AFTER DISTRACTIONS ARE GONE?

The layers of vulnerability are endless so long as we are having this human experience. I've been recently diving into this and exploring it further for myself.

I've been looking at what these distractions look like in my life and wondering about their purpose which has brought me to sharing this message with you.

Distractions, can be a type of addiction and deviate me from becoming intimate with my vulnerability which shows up in the moment. When I indulge in distractions, they are a way to keep me from being fully present in the moment. But what am I afraid of? That's a question deserving of attention. It deserves attention because I can see how distractions may have served me at times but caused me more harm overall because they have prevented me from being fully in the moment and with myself. This is a common scenario I hear when others say they "try meditating but notice how crazy their minds are and aren't really able to sit still, in the silence." This silence is revealing if I allow myself to sink into it gently. At first, in this silence, when we are not indulging in outer activities like technologies (internet/cell phones etc.) or interactions with others and engaging in other forms or substances there is the awareness of the monkey mind and its chaotic nature and then I stop fighting these thoughts by imposing a false understanding of what meditation is which is that thoughts either stop and are suppose to. This becomes a self-sabotage in and of itself as we create the very friction we are looking to not have. When we accept that the nature of the mind is simply thoughts, we have less friction. Adyashanti says "When we resist resistance, resistance resists back. When we resist resisting, resistance releases itself."

These thoughts are simply fragments of stories passing upon a blank screen that remains unscathed and unscratched by these thoughts. These thoughts are like smoke on a mirror and when I can settle into and accept these thoughts as just that, without fighting them or trying to change them, then I enter. "Only thoughts try to change thoughts."-Jeff Foster

Vulnerability is a place where we stand naked to ourselves and are really looking at what is. Sinking deeper into the vulnerability can be a guide towards seeing what truly exists at the core of who we are. As Marianne Williamson and Nelson Mandela have said, "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

As I dive deeper into this, I can feel how the now can seem so threatening and scary, yet I am guilty of calling it boring. There is so much fullness in this moment, though. Slowing down to the present and really noticing what is coming up is powerful. Try it for yourself, even just for a moment. It starts with baby steps.

What am I noticing so far in this exploration? Well, vulnerability is a way of feeling naked in the world. It is a way of being honest and transparent; holding all my pieces, the good ones, and the seemingly not so good ones. Only through embracing all my pieces and accepting all the parts of myself can I truly be integrated and experience wholeness. Any judgment on the parts I least favor is another opportunity to embrace my own diversity and acceptance of my wholeness as Oneness. In creating judgment, I create a wall of my own but essentially walls (from my recent meditations on what a wall represents) is not as much about keeping something from outside from entering but more about preventing what is inside from leaving. It's a self-created imprisonment. I may say and use to say I "want to protect myself", which is necessary at times because protecting ourselves is a key to surviving; but is life simply about survival? Survival isn't fully living.

Anyways, here I am today, looking at how far I've come and noticing the distractions I use and have used to numb out to the moment. When I remove these distractions I'm left with what is here right now, whether it be an awareness of sadness or anger or anxiety or total happiness. I want to feel these things. By feeling these things, versus hiding them, I know I'm no longer hiding from myself. I know that by going into, versus avoidance through distractions, that there is a gift in whatever the moment is delivering. To become whole is to embrace all the pieces of ourselves, regardless. To hold them and accept them as an expression of who we are, though the essence of who we are is untouched by all this and is simply being with the human expression through this body. When I embrace my vulnerability, I am in my own power and no harm can come to me. This reminds me of a scene from Harry Potter, when Voldemort attempts to kill Dumbledore with shards of glass and as he projects them towards Dumbledore, Dumbledore transforms them into dust. Similarly, when I/we own our vulnerability we are in power and have taken power back. When we give up our power, we harm ourselves.

So, I have been making more efforts in limiting my distractions and at times I find myself simply allowing myself to be with what is to see where it takes me. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole, I want to go deeper in myself. Where I notice walls and aversions/avoidances, I sit with and look at them with more gentleness. It's a work in progress but definitely worth the effort, since I know I'm worth the time and effort. Distractions have less of a hold on me. Hiding from what is, takes more energy from us. Hiding from ourselves and our emotions takes more energy from us.

What are your distractions? Are they really serving or hindering you?

If we aren't present with what is, how can we truly experience the change we seek?

MORE ON THE SACRED MASCULINE:

I wrote this piece to an ex-boyfriend of mine. I could see his inner little boy and the potential of the man he could become one day. I realize that this can apply to many of us, maybe even women, if we change the he to she in the context of the writing. Check it out.

 

THERE IS THE MAN.....

 

There is the man that I see within you.

He hides beneath the sweetness of your smile.

He covertly lies latent to the gentle boy in you.

 

This man is strong and yet sensitive.

He is wise and yet innocent.

He is mature and yet playful.

 

This man is austere and yet elaborate.

He is charismatic and charming.

He is delicate and caring.

 

This man awaits you from within to rise in the world for others to see.

He has a great deal to offer to the world.

He has a position of power but with grace he expresses it.

 

This man is not here by accident.

He is responsible with himself first and then with the world.

He encourages others journey as he puts into practice not only with the talk but walks the talk.

 

This man is independent and stands on his own two feet with open arms.

He is intelligent and yet simple-minded.

He has a greatness that the world is thirsty for.

 

This man houses a boy who is fragile and unknowing of the world itself.

He has a confidence that exudes through his pores and inspires others to be their best.

He is a model of integrated perfect imperfections.

 

This man is eager to transcend the weight of his past.

He wears his wounds with honor.

He continues to transform his wounds.

 

This man deeply desires to be free and exists within integrity.

He is deserving of love.

He deserves the best in life.

 

This man no longer wishes to hide himself from himself.

He allows himself to feel.

He allows himself to share his thoughts.

 

This man is non-judgmental and open-minded.

He is unassuming and fair.

He knows his boundaries and honors them, even when no is no and yes is yes.

 

This man can stand upright and tall.

He can stand up for himself and not be manipulated or controlled.

He doesn't support being a slave to his fears.

 

This man is dedicated to love.

He is dedicated to his lover and he shows great honor.

He is captivating and adored.

 

This man is loved by many.

He is desired by lovers and sought after as a magnificent treasure.

His eyes sparkle from a cosmic play like stars shining in a clear dark night.

 

This man is radiant like the daytime sun on a warm spring morning.

He is eloquent and precise in his words.

His actions affirm his hearts desire.

 

This man is balanced with his child.

He is loyal and forgiving.

He is giving and ignited.

 

This man knows when to extend his hand.

He also knows when he should take one.

He is stern when he needs to be and flexible as necessary.

 

This man serves himself from a loving place.

He shares this beauty with others.

He is calm, cool and collect.

 

This man is a bearer of light.

He helps to dispel darkness.

He is protective, protecting and protected.

 

This man is passionate about life.

He appreciates the simple treasures, pleasures and beauty.

He sees the world from a perspective that is universal and kind.

 

This man is admired.

He is a perfect balance of lover and friend.

He is attentive, mindful and aware.

HEART LANGUAGE

The language of the heart is deep and profound. When we connect heart to heart the mind inevitably melts and becomes seen for what it is. There is a space we enter when we are in the heart that the rest of the world is perceived through a different pair of lens. Not one that is filtered by fear but by the warmest gentlest flame of divine energy. A calmness and stillness rests here that reminds us that all is what is and we can find comfort in this awareness that the observer beholds.

I am humbled and honored in sharing my journey and holding the space for others to transform, as the space has been held for me to unfold. The heart space is the foundation where when we are rooted we can find nurturing and the capacity to explore the density that surrounds the heart, existing from wounds of the past. When we surrender to the heart the wounds melt and future is paved differently but from the here on out. When we surrender deeper to the heart the future and past dissolve and we are left with the magnitude of what is here for us in this moment. 

This weekend, I've reflected on how many beings have come to me with the wounds they carry on their shoulders and by simply striking the cord of the heart grace has guided actions such as words to support an opening to the ray of light that life lends to us; that we are a part of. When we are in suffering it is because we forget that we are part of life and we buy into the notion that life is happening to us. This creates a resistance and friction that the heart knows doesn't serve it. 

I've had men in their 70's who haven't had a connection to their heart in decades begin to melt as the first few tears are shed, mothers who have lost their mothers and lovers; revelations of suppressed abuses and deprivation surprise these great beings and their grasp of the heart so the heart can beat more freely. Through this vessel of Vishnu grace has worked its way through in a way that encourages the release of emotional bondage. I know this process to be true for myself and the great souls I've crossed paths with that have cited me back to my own heart and to excavate through untruth as the light of truth shines again. 

With the heart language, it is our responsibility to ourselves and our heart to explore the deeper crevices and overturn the soil removing weeds that are parasitically invasive and which  provoke suppression, so that we can breathe more freely and be in our being versus caught up by the chaotic nature of the mind that attempts to take us further from ourselves. 

I am honored when individuals come and somehow magically start releasing the plates of armor and discharging the heavy emotions so the hearts can expand. We don't use the mind to heal the heart, we use the heart to heal the heart. 

It's amazing to me to feel in my own journey how with heartache and break that the heart is truly strong enough to handle it as it rebuilds itself over and over again because it has the capacity to do so. What a divine gift that love created. The heart is strong enough to hold it all because love is that strong that it holds all the pieces and sees how they make wholeness. 

How is your heart today? What would you like to share with me? PM if you'd like to share more privately. I honor and respect all of you and your journey.

FROM MY HEART TO YOURS

Cardiology is a specialty within allopathic medicine that specializes in the biomechanics of the heart. To truly become a master of the heart we ought to dive into the mystery of the heart that reveals itself to us not solely through understanding the mechanics but truly through the heart language. 

"Lub Dub" are the sounds which the heart makes. Lub relates to the exhale and Dub corresponds with inhale. Inhalation is the "yes" and exhalation is the "no." The heart is the heart of the matter; the matter being the configuration of cosmic dust that makes us up. Without the heart the body can not exist. All organs and systems are rooted in the heart. The inner child to us all dwells at the center. The heart is that which possesses the true wisdom of knowing cosmic consciousness and that which we can rely upon as the navigational system for our lives. It is with the heart that we can absolutely feel joy, passion, outwardly expressed creativity, affection and happiness. 

Amongst all the languages of the world the one common tongue is rooted in the heart and called Heart Language. Regardless of creed, color, gender, with and without sharpened senses we all connect through the heart beat. All species possess an inherent pulse that stems from the heart. It's crucial to understand our own hearts and in doing so we can hold the space for all individuals. Those of us with armor based on the hardening experiences through time and space can soften when we meet a heart that can lovingly help us to disarm ourselves. It takes so much energy to contain the weight of this armor that produces tension and friction in our own being. This is the path that ages us faster by depleting us on various levels. When we come from the heart we are at our own centers in the universe that is formed into a river of love. 

The journey of learning this heart language is crucial for our well being. It's easy to harden up but it isn't our true nature. When love starts to dissolve the hardened walls of historic wounds we experience a rebirthing and rejuvenation of sorts that extends itself to the very fibers of light behind our tissues and genetic structures. We connect to each other more deeply and profoundly when we can leave our shields at the door. Reactions that would normally be reactions from these wounded places can transmute into a genuine sweet and palatable experience. 

As this time of year envelops us, it is commonly a pivoting point where emotions find their peak and then plummet post holiday season. Such a rise and fall like the inhale giving way to the exhale. Simultaneously, we enter into the darkest time of year only to propel us in a direction back towards increasing light. It's like going into the darkness and discovering the light. The combination of both the holiday season and the transitioning through the darkness tends to spark so many different types of emotions. Know that this is just a cycle of life and nature playing their own roles and let's try not to get caught up too much by such vacillation. Emotions are triggered and heightened and the heart strings will be strung in a way that we can choose what sort of love song it will become, based on the awareness we have in the moment. (Don't worry. If we miss the chance, we will always be given another.)

Like going into the density of heavy emotions that return to love, love is the container that holds the space for anything that isn't love to transform itself. Awareness of such things gives us the opportunity to be mindful of our own stuff and to excavate within our hearts anything that doesn't serve us or function for us, as we explore what this really means for us. 

The language of the heart, like any language, takes time to master. It requires attentiveness. Diligence. Perseverance and openness. Within this we shall find humanity because humility is part of humanity and that which connects us to our humanness, over and over, until we are fully integrated and embodied. It is our responsibility to drop into ourselves versus spending so much time avoiding ourselves. We can only hold this mask and armor for so long until the inevitable becomes prevalent and reveals itself. So many distractions we find ourselves engaged with to only eventually return back to the point of origin which is heart based centered-ness. 

I know I was born from love before even taking form. Something got lost in translation during my childhood and I learned how to be unloving, jealous, judgmental, angry, violent and hateful, which caused me to shut down parts of me as a result of protection through defensiveness; only to finally find my way back to love and to share this with others and appreciate both strength and fragility through vulnerability. Love always finds its way like light eventually shines through darkness. I invite you to join me on this journey to cultivating and learning the Heart Language. May we continue to be guided through these versions of opportunities that fosters the growth needed to encourage the hearts expansion. 

With fear may we return to love. From outward may we return inward to and discover the treasures that await us. May you receive this message from my heart to yours.

UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Unhealthy relationships are reflections of our own relationships with ourselves. 
It's an inside job and our responsibility to uncover those aspects within that are to be addressed and transmuted. These undiscovered places in our hearts are beckoning us to bring them to light. When we choose to ignore them because of fear regarding the potential of what we may discover we end up suppressing them, which not only causes us harm but can come out in other ways, such as self-sabotage or even passive aggressiveness which is unresolved or unaddressed anger. This anger is an indicator for us to look inward to see what we are and aren't doing that us honoring to us. Sometimes, if on some level we choose to, if we even suppress this anger we become depressed. We spend much time and energy avoiding ourselves and this alone can cause us to feel tired more often. The body can only hold the weight of so much before it can't any longer and produces symptoms. The body communicates to us in symptoms when we are out of balance. Similarly, the lack of or reduction of symptoms is an indicator of being more in a direct relationship with ourselves and how we choose to listen, sometimes. It's a tedious process at times and this is why many people choose to not adventure here. Though, so often I hear of people complaining about wanting things to be better but when push comes to shove they'd rather play victim than victor. I played victim for a short time and realized that it didn't get me anything more than what I was already suffering from. It's still a process but the momentum I've created takes over and keeps it moving at this point. A worthy investment is say. 

We are to find enJOYment in joy. Joy is from the heart and in the heart we do the "work" to unearth whatever is being harbored that is rooted in wounds to be healed through awareness, acceptance, forgiveness and releasing them. If we aren't feeling joy from any relationship, be it with intimate partners, friends, family, children or co-workers it is up to us to be clear in where we are at. What we are putting out there. What we are doing to honor ourselves and where we are willing to extend boundaries as needed. Self-preservation is needed. It starts with us first and the choices we make depends on how willing we are to see what we deserve for ourselves and are willing to accept for ourselves. Love doesn't ask us to lose ourselves but only those aspects of ourselves that prevent us from fully being in and with love. If anything, love wants us to show up fully and present with both feet. We deserve it but we have to truly know it and feel it for ourselves. On a deeper level this truth is available to all of us. Yet, are we willing to take a step back and peek back a veil or two, of our own making, to see it and then align ourselves with what we say we want? This deeper yearning trickles out from time to time as a reminder of our potential. We all deserve happiness and know in a deeper level that it's our divine right. Can we show up for ourselves as need be? Or do we choose to look the other way? Do we settle for anything less than we deserve or do we step up and take the leap by letting go of what's not matching us, to accept what does?

Love always returns to love and truth always comes back to itself. Truth itself is the blazing blade of white fire purity that casts light on the darkness. I choose to show up for myself each day. Some days more and better than others but I'm always willing to look at my shadow pieces to see what they are drawing my attention towards so that I can continue to transform what doesn't serve me. What do you choose?

CALLING ALL BOYS...TO BECOME THE SACRED MASCULINE

The child and child-like innocence lives in the heart and the discerning adult lives in thoughts and mind. As we progress through childhood our thoughts and feelings shape and are influenced by our surroundings. Our internal world is molding to match and understand the external world. We are born with certain predispositions, tendencies and ideas which are cultivated one way or another as we go through the phases of life. 

As boys, we explore in various ways this reality called life. Along the way we incur circumstances that support or inhibit our growth but, make no mistake about it, we must all grow up sometime. It is an ideal but not impossible goal to be integrated adult males which means being whole in our being where both our heart and mind are working together in harmony. So often is the case that because of wounding and traumas, especially childhood related incidences, we gain shadow pieces that hide in our subconsciousness and we become children wearing adult suits. I know because I was one of them for a long time and it took me many years with a great amount of support to help me to return to who I was before the wounding in this lifetime. I had forgotten who I was before the trauma-drama, but currently and for several years now that me before everything is coming back. Not only was I to heal such scars from this journey but also all the lives that have preceded this one. When we heal our wounds and face our shadows we are doing it for various levels which includes this lifetime and all the ones prior to this one. Not only that, but we are doing it for the collective consciousness. As I continue to dive in and address the remaining shadows and resolve old wounds I am supporting the planet in shifting globally and inviting others, especially men since I'm representing an aspect of the masculine energy on this planet, to show up and change. 

It's time to reduce the excess testosterone and welcome more estrogen. The majority of devastation in this planet has been a result of generational, ancestral and lineages of wounds that have been culminating and passing forward. The patriarchal energy is out of balance and it is only through the invitation and integration of the matriarchal, the feminine, energy that we can bring balance. It first starts with home and within this body and mind. Then, it can ripple others and affect the grater change that we are looking for. If we are truly looking for change, we must go inward. If we are truly looking for love, we must go inward. If we are truly looking to create peace and balance, we must go inward. This is where the journey starts and be seeing through our lens what is happening on the planet and in current times gives us the opportunity to use this as a mirrors that invokes the highest healing by seeing what aspect of ourselves is in conflict. This basic conflict starts with the idea that we are separate from one another and the separation of masculine and feminine is the next level where the wounding occurs. Only by integrating the masculine and feminine can we obtain balance. Only by removing oppression of the feminine energy can we reinstate true order. The feminine goddess energy is powerful beyond imagination and therein lies the threat upon masculinity which creates war in the name of man. The solution is to go into the fear and see why the feminine is so threatening. When we go there we will discover there was nothing to fear. 

I'm inviting men to show up to a profound level of healing that can absolutely shift the consciousness on this planet and help make a longer lasting change. Little boys in armored shells called adult men is what I see so much of these days. (Actually, I see this in women as well. I see their inner little girls in adult suits called women.) Acting out roles, that's the key word which is "acting", playing grown up and disconnected from themselves. These disconnects show up as health conditions and this is a calling that most don't respond to until things have gotten worse. It's so common that men wait until something finally breaks before they/we address it. It is up to us to really look at our stuff. Own it. Name it. Face it. Transmute it. We have had our own suppression/oppression where simply the feminine was lacking. Many men were taught not to express emotions, though emotions are a part of being human. Many men were taught to "suck it up" and "be a man" which means to harden but that little boy should not harden; only to become a hardened adult. Emotions are more if feminine quality by nature and even here it makes sense why men perpetuated oppression of emotions but we have narrowed our vision from seeing that this prolongs the damage done to the genuine because both masculine and remind reside in all of us. Body tissues that harden represent tissue that lack in circulation, oxygenation, blood flow and life flow. The tissue must be relaxed and hardened only when necessary; much like a penis. Yet, and on that note, men operate from their penis more, so often, but disconnect from the heart. Mind and penis are connected but what is forgotten and oppressed is that so is the heart. When we integrate love in its purest form an orgasm on the highest level possible can be achieved (without even having to touch the penis.). Imagine that fellas? (I bet you can't but some part of you knows that this is true. If you don't think about it too hard.) We are looking for love in all the wrong places. It's inside of us and not somewhere out there. This integration process is the true tantra that we are seeking.  We reduce such practices to ejaculatory superficiality when in face we can reach a higher plain without such mundane practices. (Not that ejaculating is a bad thing but more like there is a potent seed potential in the seed that hasn't been cultivated or harnessed fully, yet.)

As an integrating man I have arrived at a place where my heart, mind and body, along with my inner child and adult life are functionally working together. I'm still working out some kinks but the ride is becoming smoother as I become more whole. It is through exploring the darkness that I have been able to shine brighter. It is through viewing and experiencing a lack of love that I am learning to love more fully and easily. It is through embracing my child and his wounds and reminding him that he was whole and perfect, that I can be a truly present and grounded adult in this life so I can support others on their path by reminding them of the potential that exists within each and every one of us. 

It has become clear because of the amount of self-inquiry that I do; the healing that I do, that one of my main missions on this planet is to be a bridge for both women and men. For women, being a safe male I can help them to see the possibility of a male that isn't oppressing or violent but one that is embracing of the feminine and encouraging women to come back into their own power. For men, I'm providing a loving space that challenges them on a deeper level to go deeper and to face the wounds so that violence can reduce and the integration of the feminine can happen. Let's feel again. Let's feel into it, the it being us and that part of us being our hearts. 

A balanced man is a man who can be sensitive, kind, loving, gentle, attentive, accepting, passive as and when need be, compassionate, caring, strong when needed, delicate, gentle, amicable, open minded, light, playful and uses their courage to face internal obstacles that prevent them from being whole. Vulnerability is a strength and it takes more courage than hardening up and trying to be tough. This act is simply a mask that represents guarded untapped emotions today will eat us up from the inside like a cancer because unexpressed anger is like a cancer and when we are somehow buying into emotional oppression we are cutting off our lifelines because not expressing from the heart is like holding our breath and suffocating. Our deeper cellular intelligence desires life and when we aren't living fully and integrated we are deprived. This is an untruth and our soul and essence knows what's true for us. We just have to cross the bridge to get there but the only way to get there is by being here now and noticing what's coming up. Look at the armor and begin its dissolution with love and compassion. One step at a time. One baby step at a time. We are worth this journey and effort. Our lives are worth it. The planet depends on it. Tyranny of the masculine must come to an end. If not, we will come to an end. The only way to survive and thrive us to align ourselves with the feminine again and re-establish our connection with the mother by healing related wounds. 

The earth represents the feminine and all this fighting and blood shed is polluting the entire atmosphere. The planet will survive long past us and recover just fine because the mother is that powerful, but we don't have to lose ourselves in the process and we can live more integrated as we address the matters of our own hearts and take responsibility for ourselves. By doing our own parts we can all make a difference that serves human kind. 

So, I'm asking my kin; my fellow man to begin disarming these hardened shells by having the courage to soften and transform the shadows and wounds into lightness and love. Let's look at our inner little boys and help him to feel safe and loved in the world. Then we can all play together. I'm asking the boys out there to hear my call and join this journey to deeper healing with me. Our lives depend on it. Isn't that worth it?

Love holds the space that makes transformation possible by inviting love to show up. Sometimes this means that love will show us what love isn't so that love can show us what it really is. Love is patient and awaits us in any given moment. All we have to do is slow down. Sink in and let it take us; sometimes by taking away what isn't love. 

What say you? Will you come play with me? Will you show me yours and I'll show you mine? (My heart)

JOURNEY WITH THIS BODY HAVING ITS OWN KARMA

This month marks 21 years of me beginning my rebirthing journey through yoga. I say rebirthing because yoga has brought me back to this body and it has and continues to give me back life, over and over again. Prior to 21 years ago, this "I" was very disconnected and ungrounded because of my childhood traumas. They rendered me defenseless and hopeless, where I was simply not in my body and called upon death often. 

When I stumbled into yoga class for the first time it was per a suggestion of my dear friend who encouraged me to take it because I had "anger issues."  I meandered into class with a boyish curiosity as if I was five years old and starting school for the first time. I was nervous but also curious. After taking the class the instructor asked us a series of follow up questions, one of which was to guess her age. We all thought she was in her fifties but my jaw dropped when she said she was 87!!  She had this appearance that emanated a glow. Being around her I felt her warmth and something that I had never even known but could only fantasize from the deepest part of my being and that was this feeling of peace. It was foreign for me because all I knew was escapism and violence in my earlier years. There was something a or her and this yoga thing that drew me closer to its bosom over time. 

You see, I started yoga when it wasn't even popular, let alone anything related to a yoga for men's movement that is more modern. Doing yoga slowly began helping me to integrate into this body. Massage has also been a strong component in my life that was another means for me to develop body consciousness. Yoga, in a sense, is from the inside out but massage works is from the outside in. Because of both yoga and massage, along with other techniques, I have developed a keen sense of even what even my cells are doing. Yoga is amazing for bringing it all together and support this vehicle of the body as we remember who we really are. My yoga adventure has brought me to great depths. I wasn't really doing any kind of "fancy yoga," at least not like what's being so publicized today with all the twists and binds and inversions that seem to be the new images of yoga especially in the men's practices. For me it's always been about coming back to basics. I can do some of the fun stuff but basics have been crucial for my practice and provided me with great nourishment. 

I've met many guru's, master's, mystics, shamans, sages and saints. I've traveled to India and meditated near the Ganges, in the Ganges, in caves  dating back to at least 8,000 years where Vasistha set up shop. I've visited temples and partaken in and performed countless sacred rituals. I've been exposed to and have been practicing Ayurveda (the sister medical side of yoga) for over a decade and been initiated in other Tantric traditions (traditional tantra and the other sister to Yoga and Ayurveda).  So much greatness and abundance! I have infinite gratitude to myself and that first day when I stepped into yoga class not knowing what I was doing there but by no coincidence because I was answering a deeper calling. 

21 years later and I weave in and out of timelessness with my yoga practice as my companion. I may deviate from it sometimes but it never leaves me. I can always return to my mat and be in my meditation room sitting at my altar. The divine looking at me and my looking at the divine and in between disappearing into the oneness. I have learned that the body does have its own consciousness and intelligence. The body has its own karma. It holds memory and as we use yoga we can unwind the stories by transmuting and releasing but that doesn't always mean that the body will be perfect or disease ridden. Rather, we gain perspective and understand how even disease is part of a bigger unfolding sometimes that even the mind can't wrap around, the body may not change but the heart understands. Whether we become free from such things as illness, completely or not, we can reside in a shifting of perspective that can lighten the load on our mind by easing into acceptance of what is as what is. For instance, there are times I do a yoga practice diligently for weeks and then something inwardly shifts that either I can use my practice to work through it on a physical level or I take a break from the asanas and focus on other aspects of yoga to allow what's coming up to work its way through. It takes true insight to know when to stay in it or take a break. Pushing past it can work sometimes and at other times it can cause imbalances to deepen and karma to prolong. 

The body is also subject to the elements, which is where Ayurveda takes this deeper, and that the body also unravels in its own way but inevitably itself returns to the five elements. The body has a story and through my yoga practice I have given it the space to show itself. There are times where I use the asanas to move things through and move through things. Then there are days where I don't do a physical asana practice but have an awareness of what is happening (usually and without the story) as if it's a walking meditation. I learned years and years ago that the point of doing yoga asanas was simply to strengthen and lengthen as we prepare the body to sit and meditate for extensive periods of time without distraction. Additionally, yoga asanas are designed to maintain vitality and energy of the body. Getting into a good regimen can help maintain the body. There are many simple poses that can achieve this without the modern definitions that yoga is about revolving around how well we can do arm balancing. Advanced poses are fun and I suppose they have purpose but even many of the great sages simply depended on a few techniques to keep the body agile while focusing on extensive pranayam (life force utilization) and meditative techniques. As for advanced poses, we can practice them over time but what I've noticed with some modern day yogi's/yogini's that such vigorous practices are wearing away at the body. Even within myself, I can idealize a pose and work towards it or with it but if the body genuinely feels that it's not interested and I still want the pose to happen then there's a discord and I injure myself. Which is counterproductive and sets me back a few weeks. It also shows that I didn't listen. There sometimes has to be a point to do it and not just furtherance of the ego wanting to prove something. (I don't know. It can be tricky and complicated.) I have no judgment about advanced poses versus not advanced. (As a side note:  Yoga was designed for self-realization and it was also designed so that we can strengthen the body so that we would have more time for self-realization to happen, versus cause the body to break down faster, which seems to be happening to yogi's/yogini's in their later years from what I've encountered. Ayurveda brings a whole level of awareness that truly integrates the yoga practice and reduces wear and tear.)
I suppose it's relative because I can consider peacock pose advanced or I can simply enter my breath while in child's pose and go very deep. For me, it's not about the outside as much as it is about the inside and ironically the outside landscape depends on the seeds that are planted from within. 

Anyways, there are many people practicing yoga, new and old students, and enlightenment hasn't come. Yoga asanas do not guarantee enlightenment but they do at least encourage a development of consciousness and hopefully at least encourage us be more loving and peaceful. That is if the instructor is instructing accordingly. I have known teachers who teach a basic eight Kriya techniques and have awakened and I have known other teachers to perform the poses that are exquisite to look at but are not very conscious. A teacher can only take their student as far as they have gone themselves but the journey is about the extent to which we have trekked the inner terrain because that's where the magic is. We can easily become distracted by even outer practices of the countless yoga poses but that's like knocking on the divines door but never walking in, even after the divine has said come in. It's with grace that we enter that place where the inner guru lives. It's within this place where the presence of essence presents us with our true selves. 

For me, and in recent years, especially with the push for men's yoga and gymnastics of sorts, it's been about tuning in to what the body feels like it needs in the moment. Versus what my fellow dudes are up to based on the current yoga fitness fad.  I could be in a 40 day sadhana (spiritual practice) that involves daily asana and pranayam excursions and then have puja offerings, and be ascetic. I could also just have days where I light my puja lamp and incense, say a quick mantra and call it a day as I continue my day. All of what I have learned, started with basics and have delivered me to today where I'm less reliant on techniques and more guided by the offering in the moment. I learned that my life itself is a daily puja to the divine within. I've become less distracted by the necessity of tools and find myself more integrated and connected the simpler I become. Yet, the basics of yoga is where I always come back to. The magic of yoga has captured me. I am inspired and enamored by it at this point. Every day is a dance with the divine and a play with consciousness. I can't force it to be anything more than it is in the moment. When the "timing is right" the grace of the goddess and invitation of Lord Shiva awaits. I can simply prepare space for it to happen and that can happen any number of ways. I am open to it and accept what's been here all along. I thank my inner knowing for helping me to integrate all the pieces of me so I can feel whole again. I'm grateful for finding my heart and being able to come from there more and less from my mind. I'm grateful for my first yoga class and teacher inspiration they had delivered me to this moment. I'm excited to see where the adventure is taking me. It's truly been an adventure and I'm alive in it with joy and excitation. Some days are crappy and some days are outstanding. They are just days and balance is the acceptance that what is in the moment is the only thing that's true and real. Coming into my heart in both instances simply ties it all together and provides me with comfort from a place that remains untouched by all these distractions. To be loving, kind, gentle, sensitive, non-judgmental, patient and compassionate is a gift we give ourselves because we are these and we get to share this with others and hopefully inspire others to look within for what is calling them in the whispers behind the delusions of time so the heart is heard and lived from. My heart is the biggest it's ever been and I'm still aware that I can be in a bigger place with love. 

I invite you all to join me. Namaste and thank you for being here with me as part of my life's unfoldment!

BRO-PUNZEL BRO-PUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR ARMOR

What I've been saying recently is that it seems as though that the first 10-15 years of life and all that happens during this time is so compacted that we spend the rest of our lives showing what the product of this earlier time period has created. It seems as though that we spend the rest of our lives undoing whatever damage that was incurred and facing or hiding our wounds. It is amazing to know from personal experience how the little version of myself made such quick choices that determined whether this world is safe or not. In less than a nano of a second we choose and from this choice spirals and creates this domino effect that follows us in life. We can play victims by hiding in the dark void of the shadows within the subconscious/unconsciousness or we can be victors and choose to use the inner wisdom as the flashlight that guides our transmutation, transformation and transfiguration. 

As we are knowing which role, victor or victim, we are playing we are playing a game with our wounds. The wounded parts of us attract to wounded parts of others and we can either be wound-mates, that fall into patterns of dysfunction or we can be soul-mates that rise to the opportunity of changing these wounds into healing. We take the flashlight of inner wisdom and slowly sift through these old patterns that have melded and crystallized and we invite love in to reduce the desire of darkness so that light can travel more easily through it. 

In the interim, our wounds have created a fortress and intense armor around our hearts keeping it captive. We perceive that the armor keeps us from further harm but what we fail to recognize is that this armor also keeps us, ourselves, trapped from the inside. The heart is a muscle that expands and contracts and if we apply pressure to the chest cavity we can threaten the heart by reducing its function and cause more stress on it. The heart is the first mind and is the central intelligence that gives life to the body. When we limit the expansion of our hearts we restrict and reduce the quality of our lives. The tissues in the body responds to this in fear and the sympathetic nervous system is engaged. The cells are defensive and over a sudden parts of us start shutting down or flaring up. This is because each cell in our body knows this isn't our nature. Each cell in our being knows that this isn't loving. 

These last few days, I had the pleasure of doing more intense work with an amazing group of individuals studying advanced techniques of CranialSacral Therapy through SomatoEmotional Release(realization). We all had our own processing and became receivers. I experienced this profound gift with a guy that I had the honor of working with. I led the session with a hands on therapeutic approach and he was deep in a process that ended with him softening into my hands and falling basically into my lap as he was guided on the floor from the table. I/we as a small group, held him and complete nurturing and safety. He melted and allowed himself to receive. It was beautiful to be a part of. It was beautiful to hold another man and his little boy at the same time. Such sweetness in the moment that I was touched beyond words. It was an incredible gift to experience. After the session was over, it was my turn. The adventure took me to visualizing the armor I still hold from my past and see how it continues to hold my heart captive. I continue to hold my heart captive because of fear of trusting the world that started a few lifetimes ago and continued as I was being cultivated in my mothers wound with the words I would hear that this wasn't where I was welcome. I saw this armor as an opportunity to keep me safe but learned it was holding me imprisoned at the same time. It served a purpose back then but no longer in the now. As the session continued the group all placed their hands on my heart and I could feel their loving intention. It was a powerful moment to receive this support. Imagine, just having your heart held literally and figuratively until the tightness melted away and the heart beat was expanding with each breath. I just lay there for some time as they just held the space for me. It was beautiful. My fragments connect to the fragmented. My wholeness connects to wholeness. As my pieces are remembering how they are part of one whole the more I love from a deeper place the clearer I see. 

Stan Jerome, the instructor of this last course said "I've noticed that the more advanced the classes become the less men are in the group. That there is a specific men that are drawn to them but an archetype of men do not attend because of the nature of the work being more feminine because of its gentle and nurturing approach. If the work was called Inner Warrior versus Inner Wisdom, then men would more likely attend."  It was great to here this. From my experience, a lot of healing circles tend to contain women. Including yoga. Unless is a Bro-Yoga. 

There are layers and layers of stories imprinted upon our cells, organs, tissues, structures and systems that span the distance of time in this body, and even before (if you believe in reincarnation.) Vulnerability is the gift we are given and entitled to have as humans. Coming from our hearts is being vulnerable. 

Little boys are generally gender neutral and I'll go as far as saying that we were all basically bi-sexual. Little boys who aren't forced into stereotypical roles end up growing up more wholesome and in touch with both aspects of the feminine and masculine. This goes for little girls too. Somewhere along the line, influenced by society, school and proximally by parents themselves; which contain their own wounds and pass them down generationally, children are forced into models of conformity. Little boys are to "not cry because boys don't cry", "toughen up", "be a man", "real men don't do this", "don't be a faggot or sissy."  Little girls are to "do as daddy (later on men) tell them to do", "should not express themselves" etc. such suppression causes grave damage the the little boy/girl and great damage to the heart. This further feeds the fragmentation of the mind because untidy is severed. 

It is through remembering who we are and by letting go of the stories we tell ourselves and were force-fed to us that we start to melt this armor and live more freely. Times are changing and being stuck in a box isn't as common anymore, societally. Forcing our heart into a box isn't as easy anymore because the light of consciousness is piercing through the density of darkness that fear once held us captive with. Things are shifting. Men and women today are integrating because children are growing up more integrated. It's beautiful to see how in the gay community we have the "category" of Queer being a place where labels no longer define what we are and who we are allowed to love. Bisexuality is becoming more common for men because it seems as though men are remembering the freedom in this. The playfulness in this. The ability to love more freely based on what the heart desires and not an old script that prevented love from being fully expressed as individually designed. Love is freedom and we are loving more. Love isn't bound by labels. It is all the colors. 

Loving ourselves and all our pieces ties it all together and reminds us that we are whole. The wounds are to be looked at with an awareness that our soul demands if we are to live life fully as victors victoriously and joyfully. One of my missions in life has been to provide a space for women to feel safe in the works and with the masculine energy. Another one of my missions and purpose is to support/create a forum for men where men can remember the Sacred Masculine within which is an integration of feminine and masculine by reminding men to include their hearts and cultivate a relationship within that uses the power of awareness to transform the wounds, and allow the fragments to participate in the whole. I wrote a piece not that long ago that spoke of the three main categories of boys, guys and men. The ultimate goal is to have a man integrated with all three. I'm inviting this because I am modeling this by living this and doing my work everyday. 

It is an adventure for me now. I can now navigate through the darkness by holding more light and freely moving about within darkness because I'm not afraid of the dark any longer. I'm no longer afraid of what I'll find. I'm more curious about what still lurks and I'm finding myself in adventures that are sometimes loopy but that return me back to me eventually in a more unified way. I'm inviting boys, guys and men to be a part of the circle, bring balance to our lives and this planet by embarking on the journey with consciousness that becomes the Sacred Masculine. Let's explore that dense space that invites violence into our lives/minds and help it to shift with more awareness. Let's come into our hearts more fully. Heal old wounds that keep us from ourselves by sinking into the vulnerability of what the wound appears as and transform into greatness. Let's go into our hearts and rediscover who we were that includes the beauty of who we were with the innocence of the child within us that's screaming for our attention. When are we done with the charades and games and hiding? Who will join me?

WHISPERS OF THE HEART

Sometimes in life we come across someone who we have a special type of connection and that is usually seen and felt on a subtle but deep level. There's a sense of seeing/feeling something remarkable that reflects us as though there's an awareness of such a beautiful kindred connection that stands a part in its own way. Yet, they may not always see it yet. On a soul level there is something there. The soul and heart knows. It's like a faint whisper.

 

When this happens, it's ok. They may not be ready. It's clearly not time in the moment and it is enough to know what is right now is what's real. They may have to catch up or simply miss out. Though, it's never a loss. Just an experience and a mirror. There's a gift, regardless.

 

It's not to say that it may not suck but having the feelings that come up around it is quintessential to our growth and we must stay within our own emotions. We have to hold the space for ourselves first and foremost. In doing so, we then hold the space for them/others and see what unfolds. However it may.

 

Love doesn't expect us to lose ourselves or sacrifice ourselves. Actually, it's quite different than that. When we love, we love fully. Which means that we show up with it first. It doesn't come from the outside do looking for love will only cause us to get more lost inside ourselves. When we remember that we are it then there's no looking. Only receiving gifts that remind us. Love sometimes gives us the gift of also showing us what isn't love so that we can truly experience what love is.

 

So, when we come across that kindred spirit (whether they know it or are willing to accept that at the forefront of their mind) that is slightly set a part from the average, relish it. Give it space. Love doesn't know time. When things are ready then we are ready. If not, we aren't limited to just this one. Few and far between but they're definitely out there. How do we know this? Because we exist. Love always meets us where we are. It also shows us when we aren't open to it. Notice those tight spots around the heart and breathe into it. Be with it. Be gentle. Be with what comes up. It about us, not them.

 

Let the light shine. Let the love unwind into a fully open heart. This is our design. Fear keeps us from it. It takes more energy to close a heart than it does to keep it open. Just like it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.

 

Sacrificing love for fear isn't worth it in the long run. Work though it. I'm worth it. You're worth it. Your heart, our heart will thank you. Your life, our life will reflect it.

 

Let's get to it! The time is now. We asked for it a long time ago. This is all a part of its unfolding. Life isn't happening to us IT IS happening for us.(Don't forget to say thank you for the opportunities that serve this purpose.)

MORE IN THE SACRED MASCULINE

My work is an integration of old and new paradigms and not only an exploration of but an evolving into the sacred masculine. 

The sacred masculine is more complex and can not be limited by general psychological models. Modern psychology still falls short because it is still a system not fully integrated but a work in progress. Some things just can't be taught by books. It's a combination of various things including a direct link to a deeply rooted understanding of what the sacred masculine is that involves the exploration and integration of consciousness. Not everyone is called. Not everyone that calls listens or is ready. Not everyone hears. It's not a huge group. But, I will say that the first level is the development around being more conscious. It's part of the awakening process.

Additionally, a more integrated form of sacred masculine isn't limited to understanding the psychology of a man. It also includes knowing the heart of a man. It includes an intimacy that can invite cuddling and body contact and a deeper level of being with one another, when the moment arises, intertwined and exploring sacred sexuality. A man knowing himself fully, deeply and freely. Has nothing to do with "gay or straight" and that's why I appreciate the new found definition of "Queer." It's quite beautiful to witness and be a part of this experience from a much deeper perspective. Otherwise, the development can only go so far and still shows signs of fear and societally based restrictions.

Yes, "It's all spiritual" and the path to awakening for men and women is a spiritual path in and of itself because there isn't anything that isn't spiritual. But when we speak of the sacred masculine that is much more than a new-age concept. The sacredness comes from more integration and awakening into the power of the masculine that involves the balance of the feminine in a man. Its the Shiva and Shakti spiraling together like the dance of yin/yang. It's a full integration. It's joy within enJOYment. It's all spiritual but the sacredness within this incorporates a refined experience that beckons and summons the more evolved aspects of consciousness which is a clarity of inner vision and the hearts freedom to explore terrain that awaits us and provides us with treasures sublime. Being rooted in the sacred masculine is when the pieces of a man, body, mind, heart and spirit are united and freedom of expression is a simple pleasure. It's freedom from societal dictation and has a more direct connection to the divine which isn't attached to labels. The heart knows no such thing. It's the folly of the mind to create stories around it which are still limitations. It's beyond words and is a feeling place. Freedom. The boy and man are one. The armor is gone and the old saying "the child is father to the man" becomes true. Little boys, that aren't tainted by limited belief systems imposed upon by the father or make figures surrounding him, are free to play with one another and aren't attached to limited belief systems. They just play and have fun. Somewhere along the line boys develop a more narrow vision and become stuck in a box. Then, crystallized patterns develop and the man is saying "I would never be so close with another guy." Yet, on a more honest level it is craved. What I see amongst more gay men than straight is that they/we play still in other ways and more freely. There's more joy in sexuality. There's more connection outside of the bedroom. I'm not saying all me should be gay. Gay is a bit different from a man being free in his sexuality like a little boy is free in playing without preset definitions of who he should play with and how. Should he choose to play with dolls and wear moms heels, this has nothing to do with gay. Furthermore, there's a freedom that comes from the heart and extends itself when it's no longer trapped by the limitations of the mind. Guys can cuddle, and fall asleep together, with or without the sexual expression, and be fully embodied and comfortable. There's something profoundly beautiful when two men are intertwined (close in or off). We are all one in the dark and we are all one heart in the face of the divine. There's no masculine or feminine. It just is what is, in the face of the divine.

WHOLENESS AND HEARTNESS

What a journey it is in this lifetime we have as we move through time and space. We have pleasant and unpleasant adventures in coming to the place where we remember our wholeness by having to accept and integrate of the pieces of ourselves. This is the point. We have so many aspects of ourselves and it's about coming to accept all of them as being aligned with one whole self. There is nothing wrong or broken about us. These thoughts are illusions that keep us from ourselves. An untruth that prevents us from seeing ourselves by perpetuating a cycle of suffering. It's up to us to not really allow ourselves to escape into thoughts that promote suffering. Sometimes we take a step back and notice this and others we are caught up by the veil that blinds us from what's true. What is true us what is real and what is real is what IS right now. When we fall into the trap of "would/could/should or had I done this or if I do that" then we are adding an anvil to our growth and weighing down the heart. When we pass all this by being present with and accepting exactly what is happening right now, because it is what IS real, we can soften into the moment and sink past the edges to a place of calm. We eventually soften into the heart where the mind is now the servant and the thoughts are more under the command of the heart. 

There is nothing or no one out there that can give us what we need. Nothing outside of us that completes us. When we feel alone, one it's a feeling, which is valid to have and two it's just a reminder that we haven't remembered our wholeness and that we feel something outside of us can change that. This is an untruth. We aren't incomplete beings waiting for someone or something to complete us. We are already perfect as we are. All of us and all of the pieces of what we are. Just like there are numerous leaves that make up a tree but not just one leaf deserves attention. At the center of our hearts is the knowing that we are whole and full. We somehow (but that doesn't even really matter) forgot along the way but here we are, learning to remember that all the pieces of who we think we are makes up our wholeness. The gift, of many, in this life is that through others we see our reflection and we have the opportunity to see where we aren't loving ourselves enough and how much we are loving ourselves. Both exist simultaneously. There is no polarity. Only one experience. When we forgive ourselves and permit ourselves to be with what is right now and now let our mind get the best of us by running away with infinite stories we can finally soften from the heart and stop running from ourselves and what is...right now which is whole and plenty and fully loving. This is our "task" and yet the irony is that there's nothing to do. Actually, thinking we have to do anything is just one more thing that distracts us and supports the notion and implication that having to do something will fix something when there's nothing broken. It's exactly what is right now that is all that exists and that's key. Let's not run from ourselves. Let's not hide from ourselves. Let's not do and let's be more with what is. This is where all of who we are is seen as whole. This is what is real..right now.

STHIRA SUKHAM ASANAM

Darkness and light are part of each other. We can not have one without the other. From darkness comes light and with light we go through the darkness. When we have too much light we are blinded and when we have too much darkness we are blind. We journey through the shadows and shed light where there is density but light self doesn't not completely dispel the darkness of the shadow because light also can create shadow. It's up to us to have the awareness of the shadow and accept it for what it is in order to learn its mystery. Darkness is the unknown. Light is the known. When we awaken, when we are enlightened, we are simply having a grander and clearer perspective. 

As we move through life, we can more easily traverse the terrain by not getting so caught up in would, could and should. Or what could be, should be. Rather, if we make love with what is and if we accept the intimacy of what is  happening right now we can shift into a deeper consciousness. Instead of changing or fixing or feeling that something is wrong or broken it is more important to be vulnerable and personal by integrating all our pieces, by accepting all the pieces of who we are in this moment versus trying to change anything based on the thoughts that there is something wrong with us. What is right with us is what is right now. If we accept and lean into the current circumstances of the moment, which is what is true right now, this is what's real. There's nothing to judge or change. What is right now and what is showing up right now is the gift. When we let the mind fall into its typical patters of division and separation we fall into pieces. Yet, when we can step back and embrace all the pieces we remember our wholeness and fullness. 

As in yogic practices, STHIRA and SUKHAM are about finding the edge where we observe and experience pleasure and discomfort. We sit with that place. We breathe into it. We slow down. We see when it is ready to shift. We can't make IT happen any faster, because by doing so, not only do we miss out on the opportunity of the gift but we also tend to cause injury which then perpetuates and prolongs suffering. When we sit with the dark pieces of our minds, embrace them. Talk to them. Engage in a friendly conversation.  See what is relevant and real right now. Don't try to avoid or change it because it's bound to come back and anchor us in more suffering. Find the edge, physically and mentally. Sit with it as comfortable as possible. Find the comfort in discomfort by being and breathing with it. When it's ready, and only when it's ready, will it shift to the next level. There's no rush or haste to "get there". There is no there without here. There is no there until we sit with what's here now. Numbing devices and sensations only keep the pain away but do not get rid of the pain. Being with and sinking into the edge, along with being vulnerable and honest with what is, will. 

Om Shanti!

Doctor of Ayurveda...

AMAZING NEWS!

It is with great excitement to announce that as of this past week I am officially enrolled at the CALIFORNIA COLLEGE OF AYURVEDA and headed for the Doctoral of Ayurveda Program, first of its kind to be established in the USA!

I am excited and nervous as to what this next chapter of my journey will bring and how this process particularly will unfold for me but I'm totally open to the possibilities and unknown. (Now, to start with step one which is to take the placement exam and the first class towards this profound goal.) Oh my goodness!

I hope and pray to see you all on the other side when I've completed this with the credentials to show it. It's a long road ahead of me but a road still filled with great potential.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement on this path. Much love and sincerest gratitude.

CALIFORNIA COLLEGE OF AYURVEDA